So I'll Be Quiet

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a Blog talking about when I don't know what to pray. In that blog, I talked about asking God to hear my heart when I couldn't find the words. Today I found another song that talks about just that. In case you haven't figured it out yet, God uses music to reach me. I am not sure why exactly, other than I love music (most kinds) and it allows me to settle and be still. It softens my heart and allows me to really hear what He wants me to hear because I can block out the hurts, worries, and cares of the day. I want to share this song with you and the thoughts that I have on it.

Sometimes I feel no one's ever been in this place before
This is hard and I'm not sure that I can do this anymore
I know some day I'll look back, and all this won't seem real
But Lord right now I need you to know just how I feel

Sometimes living with a chronic illness is an isolating feeling. You feel like no one can ever understand what you are feeling or how you are hurting. You want to give up. I have many times. I can't count the number of times I have said to Jim, "I can't do this anymore—I wish I could die."  
 

Stephen at Robotics competition

I think I knew even as I spoke those words that I didn't want to die. I wanted to watch Stephen grow up and become a man of God. I wanted to be a part of teaching him how to do that but I didn't know if I could because I had gotten so angry with God. I knew I was lost and had pushed God away from me, so how could I teach my son about Him? How could I tell Stephen to trust in something I didn't even trust myself. I had to find a way. 

It hurt so much to be lost and to feel isolated, yet want so much to be surrounded with love and support and for the pain to stop. Even as I have gone through it I have thought that this can't be real. I can't really be living this life. I can't have this condition. I can't have turned from the God I was taught to love. I think even in my darkest time God was with me. I didn't know how to reach out to Him. I didn't know how to ask Him for help, but He knew. He knew what I needed.

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray hear my heart,

When I don't have strength to try and I've cried all I can cry hear my heart
Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak
You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I'm weak
So I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart.


There were no words. I couldn't pray anymore. I had prayed and prayed and my prayers never went beyond the room I was in. At least that is how I felt. My strength was gone. I had cried for days but no one cared (except Jim, who was powerless to fix it.) God why? Why do I have to have this? Why do I have to hurt? Why can't I feel better? Can you hear me God? Are you listening? Do you care?

Every now and then I recall a simple phrase or melody
It comforts and it quiets, lifts me up and then it carries me
Far above the pain and hurt I think will never end
The song speaks words I cannot and it calms the fears within

In the past couple of months God has brought back hymns, songs, melodies, poems, notes, and scriptures that I have known and have relied on before. I have used them as a basis for what I KNOW, not what I FEEL. These songs, "I Surrender All," "Count Your Blessings," "Shelter Me," "Marvelous Grace," "Hurt by Hurt," "Praise His Name," "Roses Will Bloom Again", etc. all have a phrase or a chorus or a message that lifts me above the pain and the hurt that I think will never end. They help to calm the fears that happen when I can't breathe. They say the words that I can't. They give me peace that God is listening and that He does care. I have found myself thanking God for the music and the writers.

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray hear my heart, 
When I don't have strength to try and I've cried all I can cry hear my heart
Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak
You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I'm weak
So I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart.
Lord I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart

I am comforted by what I KNOW—that when the words are gone, my prayers are just mumbles that make no sense, when I am exhausted and my tears are all cried out. God knows my fears, my weaknesses and doubts. If I am quiet and still and I rest in Him, no words are needed because He can hear my heart.

Blessings



Volume knob photo courtesy Salvatore Vuono, freedigitalphotos.net
 

When It Seems You're All Alone

Have you ever felt alone or lonely? Have you ever felt like in a crowd of people you are completely alone? No one understands what or how you are feeling. You have pasted on the permanent smile that tells everyone you are wonderful, while inside, the pain, heartbreak or hurt is destroying you. Have you ever answered the question, "How are you?" with the pat answer, "Fine" or "Good" when you are anything but fine. You feel like, even if you were to be truthful, no one wants to hear it, or they wouldn't understand anyway—so why bother?

There have been so many times in my life that I have done just that. I learned at a very young age that people don't really want an answer to the question, "How are you?" It is a nicety or politeness. I would love to answer the question truthfully sometimes—to tell people that behind the smile are hands that hurt to move, or knees that don't want to hold me up; a body that is so tired it screams for sleep that won't come, lungs that are working to inflate. How about a heart that is fluttering and grabbing, causing chest pain that I have to constantly decide if it is a heart attack or just the fatigue wearing on the muscle? Those are the truthful answers, but does the person asking the question really want those answers? Sometimes I don't even give Jim those answers.

There are times I wake up during the night because I moved something that wasn't ready to move and it caused pain. I lay awake and sometimes cry because I desperately want to sleep but I know now that it will be a while before I will fall back to sleep. I don't want to wake Jim so I get up and go to the living room. I sit and cry alone in the dark until the pain settles down and I crawl back into bed and try to rest again. It wouldn't be bad if it were a once in a while occurrence, but it is more like two or three times a week (in a good week).

I was talking to my cousin tonight (she also suffers with autoimmune disorders and chronic pain due to psoriatic arthritis) and we were talking about the nighttime. It is such a frustration because we are so tired from getting through the day that we look forward to being able to stretch out in bed.

Here is the problem. Sometimes our bodies hurt so much that even our clothes are an irritation, so laying down in the bed is like torture. We need to sleep desperately, but it won't come because we can't get comfortable or the nerves and pain receptors are firing so hard and fast that we can't relax. You tell yourself that if you just relax it will be better so you make yourself lay there until you can't stand it anymore. You long for sleep and for a reprieve from the pain but it doesn't come.

People think that Chronic Fatigue just means that I sleep all the time—IF ONLY! I get insomnia that lasts for days, but then I sleep for days only to be awake again. I have to function even when I need to sleep, yet I can't because I have fought off sleep until bedtime—only to not be able to relax because I have been fighting for so long. I can't relax.

Does that sound confusing? GOOD—you get it. That is my life. Ask me again, "How are you doing?" Is this really the answer you want? It is the honest one. 

Image courtesy of Idea, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where does all of this lead? It leads to being lonely, to feeling like you can't go on anymore. You begin to feel like there is no way that you can face another day. I wake up in the morning dreading getting up to another day of pasting on the smile and walking through the day lying to everyone that asks me, "How are you?" 

It leads to anger and resentment at those people who ask that question but don't really want the answer. It leads to feeling lonely and isolated. It leads to feeling like you can't go on another day. You can't get out of bed again and face that question.

I have been praying a lot lately and asking God to help me get through the pain, to get through the hurts and the frustration, to take away the bitterness and resentment that comes along with all of this "stuff." I think His answer came today. Mom and I went out today. I desperately needed a haircut and Mom needed clothes, so we combined the shopping trip to the mall with a salon. We actually had fun as we usually do. We pushed ourselves a little since it was our first time out in a while.

There were not many people in the mall so I felt pretty relaxed being there. We got our stuff done and we got in the car to come home. I turned on the Sirius radio (it is a lease vehicle and we got Sirius for 6 months free) to EnLighten, a Southern Gospel music station, since my Mom and I both like that music. Sheri Easter came on singing a song I had never heard. I said to Mom, "Oh, I like Sheri Easter," and I turned the radio up. This was Mom's cue to begin talking louder.

Instead of getting frustrated, which would have been my response in the past, I just told myself I would listen to it later. We finished talking, came home, had dinner, and then I looked up the song. It is probably just as well that I didn't hear it in the car because as I listened to it I began to cry. It was the answer to my prayer. It was the answer to how do I get through the pain. How do I get through the nights when I feel lonely and afraid? How do I not get angry with people that don't really want to know how I am feeling? Praise His name!

PRAISE HIS NAME!

When you're up against a wall and your mountain seems so tall
And you realize that life's not always fair
You can run away and hide, let the old man decide
Or you can change your circumstances with a prayer

"Lord, the chronic pain and chronic illness is a mountain that I can't seem to climb. Life isn't fair and I want to run and hide from all of it. I can't face it anymore." That is my cry out to the Lord daily. I realized through this song I have a choice. I can change my circumstance with prayer. God might not be ready for whatever reason to take away the illness, but through prayer, my mind is taken off of the pain and put on God. For that, I have reason to praise Him.

When everything falls apart praise His name
When you have a broken heart raise your hands and say
Lord, You're all I need, You're everything to me
And He'll take the pain away

"Lord, my life has fallen apart, my heart is broken. How do I keep going?" Taking time to raise my hands in surrender and praise and remembering that truly He is all I need will heal my broken heart and put me back on the path to putting all the pieces back together.

When it seem you're all alone praise His name
When you feel you can't go on just raise your hands and say
Greater is He that is within me
And you can praise the hurt away if you'll just praise His name

Lord, it is 5:00 in the morning. I fell asleep at 2:00 and I am awake already. I need to sleep desperately but it hurts. My body aches and my heart hurts. I am afraid and I can't go back to sleep. Help me!

Have you ever been there? Praise His Name. The Bible says, "Greater is He that is within me." If I believe that, I can praise the hurt away.

Oh, you can overcome by the blood of the lamb
And by the word of your testimony
You'll see the darkness go as your faith begins to grow
You're not alone so how can you be lonely

This song is amazing. It is so simple, it is difficult. Can it really be as easy as praising Him? I am just beginning to try it so I will let you know. I am convinced that I can overcome by the Blood of the Lamb. I already know that the darkness is fading as my faith has gotten stronger. I can't say that I am in the light yet but it isn't quite so dark now. I know now that I don't have to be lonely because I am never alone.

Lord, I pray that I will one day be able to be the testimony to endurance, healing, love, and strength that will show that you are faithful and that you have walked beside me through it all. If learning to praise You through it all is what I need to learn then I will gladly walk through it because I know that I am not walking alone.

Blessings to you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgqAN2i7GM0

Sticks and Stones

I am sure that most of us heard this when we were growing up:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones 

But names will never hurt me."  

Is this true?  Yes, the sticks and stones part is true but do names, or more specifically, words, hurt?

I was reminded yesterday morning that words can and do hurt. We can try to pretend that they don't, but when something was said about me (yet again) that was negative I had a visceral reaction—I became sick to my stomach; my head began to hurt; I was shaking, and I immediately began to cry. The fact that it came from the woman who is "supposed" to love me unconditionally made it even worse. She didn't even say it to me this time as she has in the past. She was talking to Jim.

Immediately following this interaction I began my Bible study. I am in Proverbs right now, and before I began I asked God to quiet my heart and to allow me to learn what He would have me learn. I really believe Satan was trying to get to me because as soon as I started reading, she came in to where I was, sat down and began reading the newspaper to me. I am crying, hurt, angry, frustrated, and trying to settle down without blowing up at her, and she comes to me and begins to read me the paper. SERIOUSLY?

I closed my eyes and took a bunch of really deep breaths. I was determined not to yell or strike out at her. I kept reminding myself that it really was a blessing from God that I still have her. There are many people who would love to have their Mother back with them—at that particular moment, I gladly would have given them mine. I let her finish reading me the paper. I really do know how to read it for myself but I don't think she remembers that. When she was done we talked, or rather she talked to me for a few more minutes. When she wasn't getting the responses she wanted, she got up and stormed away.

I hadn't said anything bad to her. I hadn't not responded to her, but I wouldn't engage in a conversation with her. I was hurt. I was angry, and I was honestly afraid that if I did engage her in conversation I would say something I shouldn't. I wasn't sure why she was offended. I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't the one who had said something hateful and hurtful to her. I was the one who had been offended.

After she walked away I went back to my Bible reading, still feeling put out and hurt. I took some time to ask God to help me get out of the reading what He wanted me to find. Those of you who know the book of Proverbs can kind of guess what is coming next. Does anyone want to guess how many times Proverbs talks about gentle answers, patience, a quiet heart, a quiet tongue, peacefulness, being righteous in all things, showing kindness, showing mercy...?

I finished my reading. Now I was not only hurt by Mom, I was a little put out with God. Was that really what He wanted me to learn? Was that really what I was supposed to get out of the day's reading? It wasn't fair. She had hurt my feelings. She had been mean to me. She had been talking behind my back, even though I heard her. She had said things about me that weren't true—at least Jim and Stephen say they aren't true. She attacked me and never even thought about the fact that the problem doesn't lie with me, it is with her. All of that is what I was feeling, and more. So now I am not only mad at Mom, I am mad at God AGAIN, because He was allowing me to be hurt and wasn't allowing me to be offended. NOT FAIR!

I stewed in my irritation for a while. Then I started getting a headache. I began having difficulty breathing. I was getting dizzy and nauseous. What was being annoyed and angry doing? It was hurting me. Not only was what my Mom said hurtful, now I was hurting myself too.

I began to pray, "Lord, it isn't fair." Why do I still have to live with her and take care of her? Why haven't we been able to move yet? What are you trying to teach me by allowing me to get attacked over and over again by a mean old woman?

The nursery rhyme sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me began playing over and over in my head. Names do hurt. Names, I think, hurt more than sticks and stones. They may break a bone or cause a physical bruise, but names cause emotional bruises—and those take longer to heal. I have been dealing with those bruises for many years. I began to ask God why I had to take this. Why would He want me to take care of the one person in the world who could hurt me this much, and regularly does? Why do I have to wear a target all the time for her? Believe me, she is a sniper when it comes to hitting the target. She knows what to say to get to me. I asked, "Lord, am I such a horrible person that You would allow this?"

I began to cry again, but instead of crying because I was angry I was finally letting go of some of those hurts. I felt like God was there with me. He was holding me and letting me cry because this was the first time I was actually giving them to Him.

I was letting Him fix the hurts that those words caused. I was reminded again of the verse I am holding on to with all of my heart:

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."  

I began singing the song, Be still and know that I am here, Be still, be still and know. I began to feel the anger fade away and peace started to take control again. I started reading Proverbs again and this time I saw the verses differently. Proverbs 19:11 sounded very different. It wasn't accusing me; it was guiding me, reminding me that "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense." 

I cannot do anything about what someone else does to me. It is not my place to get revenge or enforce some punishment. It is my job to forgive. It is my job not to jump immediately to anger but to show patience and understanding. I don't understand why I wear the target, but since I do, I have to be ready to knock down the darts with love.

Image courtesy: fotographic1980, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It isn't easy, because the names still hurt. They still cause a sting that lasts. It is easier though because I have given myself permission to allow them to hurt but then to give them to God to heal. They don't have to cause lasting wounds because Jesus has promised that He will bind up those wounds in Psalm 147:3—He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.

It isn't easy being the target for someone who has been in much pain for many years, has lost her husband, isn't happy with herself or her life, doesn't really like anyone. I know that some of my physical struggles are the result of the stress that accompanies living with Mom, yet I know that God calls us to help the widows and the elderly, and she is both. So I am doing what I am supposed to do.

My prayer now is that God helps me to honor her the way I should. Respect is earned, yet I am struggling with that concept. Scripture doesn't tell us to honor parents IF they deserve it, it says, Honor your Father and Mother—there is no "if they..." clause attached to that verse.

Yes, sticks and stones may break my bones but names CAN and DO hurt! So, be careful what you say to someone, you never know the load they already carry.

Jesus or a Train

Image courtesy of Dan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I read a post on Facebook last night, right before I FINALLY fell asleep, that reminded me that I am not alone in the battle against chronic illness. She said that it was hard to even lay in bed because it hurt too much. I was feeling the same thing, but for some reason, praying for her became a priority. The simple act of putting someone else in front helped me, and if only for a few minutes, forget that I was in pain too.

 

This morning I was reading in Psalm 88:1-7


1 O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. 2 May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. 3 For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. 4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength. 5 I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care. 6 You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. 7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.


Psalm 88 is one of the saddest, most desperate Psalms written. At least, in my opinion it is. It seems to me to have been written in a time of desperation. It seems as if David was begging God to hear his cry.


13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.

If you have a chronic illness or deal with chronic pain you have more than likely felt this way. I know there have been times when I have begged God to hear me, to pay attention to me. How long was this supposed to go on before God cared enough about me to stop it? What had I done that was so bad that I deserved this? Why did God allow His children to suffer, when people who did bad things all the time were prospering and healthy? I see news stories of women who hurt their children. Why did God allow them to get pregnant and not me? I heard about people cheating on their spouses, yet had more money than they could spend in a lifetime. I read stories of people who turned their backs on God but were successful in business.

I am reminded of a quote by Charles Spurgeon:

"I am certain that I never did grow in grace one-half so much anywhere as I have upon the bed of pain." 

I have to ask myself, do I care more about having more children than I care about my relationship with God? At least God has not asked me to do what He asked of Abraham. My son is a healthy, hormonal, bundle of attitude and know-it-all teenager—I wouldn't trade him for 20 more children. I need to thank God for what I have and not focus on what I don't. Does it mean my arms still don't ache for Cameron or for the other babies I lost. No, it doesn't, but I cannot live for what is gone, only for what is here.

I have always been faithful to Jim and Jim to me, but we still have struggles. Why is it fair that people who are not faithful have successful lives and money to do whatever they want? The question then becomes, is money what is important? One of my favorite things to do with Jim is to go to IKEA and dream about what our kitchen would look like if we had the chance to design it. What would be our perfect kitchen? Would it be white, maple, dark? Would the cabinets have a design? What about the glass in the doors? Would there be glass? Would it be frosted or plain? What about our stove and refrigerator? What kind of dishes would we have? Would Jim and I have had these moments together if we already had that kitchen? Would we have anything to dream about?

When Jim and I were engaged and even some before that we knew that God was going to use us as a team! Would Jim and I still be the team that God could use if we were handed everything and didn't have to work together to achieve it? I have told Stephen before that we appreciate things much more if we have to work for them. I think God is allowing us moments together to dream about what could be, so we are willing to continue to work together, the way He planned.

I despise being sick. I hate not being able to just wake up in the morning and do whatever I want that day without worrying about if it is going to rain (when Fibromyalgia gets worse) or wondering the night before if I was going to get enough sleep to be able to function mentally as well as physically. Would I catch something if I went to the store? When I do go to the store, do I have an antibacterial wipe to clean the cart handles? Do I have a mask in case someone is coughing? Do I have gloves in case I want to touch something? It isn't always this bad. This is primarily during cold and flu season but with a very compromised immune system it is ALWAYS a risk. 

The question then is—would Jim and I have the relationship we have if I didn't have to depend on him for so much? Would Jim be the husband and Father he is if he didn't have to do the things he does for me? Would Stephen be as gentle and attentive if I weren't sick? Don't get me wrong, I don't believe God makes us sick. I do believe that He allows the sickness in order to teach us something. He has allowed me to be sick to teach us how to be a family, to teach me how to trust Him. Maybe if I hadn't been so stubborn and pig-headed it wouldn't have taken so long to teach me.

We just celebrated Easter. On Good Friday, Stephen and I talked about what Jesus did for us on the cross. Then we talked about Sunday. All weekend I would say to him, "Friday is over; what is coming?" He would smile and say, "SUNDAY!" Friday would have not meant anything without Sunday. The same way that the suffering we have would not mean anything without God being able to use it to show His power. I can take my pain and leave it at the foot of the cross. If I really leave it there and don't go back later and pick it up, thinking I can take care of it better than He can, things get easier. The pain may not go away but it gets easier to bear because I am not doing it alone.

Living with chronic illness or chronic pain makes you feel like you are living a nightmare.  You are lost in the darkness of a long tunnel.

Image courtesy of moggara12 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You keep trying to find the way out of the tunnel to freedom from pain but the tunnel just keeps going. You keep moving and moving trying to escape the desperation you feel. You have to keep going and moving because if you don't, the feelings and the pain will overtake you. You feel the walls of the tunnel closing in. You try different paths (medications, treatments, etc.) but they don't help and you just get deeper and deeper into the cave of despair. You keep searching for a light that would mean you have found the end of the tunnel. You are desperate for that light. Sometimes there is a panic deep inside of you that is frightening because you HAVE TO FIND THE LIGHT!

I think I finally have seen a glimmer of that light. I am not feeling better necessarily. In fact, as I am writing this I have a cold. Stephen got one, brought it home and shared it. So far, it is only a mild cold. Hopefully, resting and staying warm will keep it that way. I still have no energy. I am still in pain, but since I started reading my Bible again and praying regularly it has helped. Since I took all of the pain and hurts and frustrations and laid them at the foot of the cross, I have begun to see a light. I don't know if that is the light of healing or if it is Jesus telling me that if I come to Him he will not only carry the pain but carry me as well until I can walk again on my own. I kind of believe it is the latter. I KNOW that Jesus will walk with me, beside me, in front of me and behind me to protect, guide and carry me if necessary, until I am able to walk again on my own. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW He is.

Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.  

That is my peace. That is what I tell myself when I am afraid, or when I hurt, when I can't sleep, when I am desperate and when I feel like I can't see the "Jesus" light in my tunnel. I say that verse over and over to myself until I find peace.

My prayer is very simple:

Jesus, may you be the hope at the end of my tunnel. May you be the glimmer of light that I see. May it please be you and not a train.

Blessings to you all.