So I'll Be Quiet

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a Blog talking about when I don't know what to pray. In that blog, I talked about asking God to hear my heart when I couldn't find the words. Today I found another song that talks about just that. In case you haven't figured it out yet, God uses music to reach me. I am not sure why exactly, other than I love music (most kinds) and it allows me to settle and be still. It softens my heart and allows me to really hear what He wants me to hear because I can block out the hurts, worries, and cares of the day. I want to share this song with you and the thoughts that I have on it.

Sometimes I feel no one's ever been in this place before
This is hard and I'm not sure that I can do this anymore
I know some day I'll look back, and all this won't seem real
But Lord right now I need you to know just how I feel

Sometimes living with a chronic illness is an isolating feeling. You feel like no one can ever understand what you are feeling or how you are hurting. You want to give up. I have many times. I can't count the number of times I have said to Jim, "I can't do this anymore—I wish I could die."  
 

Stephen at Robotics competition

I think I knew even as I spoke those words that I didn't want to die. I wanted to watch Stephen grow up and become a man of God. I wanted to be a part of teaching him how to do that but I didn't know if I could because I had gotten so angry with God. I knew I was lost and had pushed God away from me, so how could I teach my son about Him? How could I tell Stephen to trust in something I didn't even trust myself. I had to find a way. 

It hurt so much to be lost and to feel isolated, yet want so much to be surrounded with love and support and for the pain to stop. Even as I have gone through it I have thought that this can't be real. I can't really be living this life. I can't have this condition. I can't have turned from the God I was taught to love. I think even in my darkest time God was with me. I didn't know how to reach out to Him. I didn't know how to ask Him for help, but He knew. He knew what I needed.

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray hear my heart,

When I don't have strength to try and I've cried all I can cry hear my heart
Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak
You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I'm weak
So I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart.


There were no words. I couldn't pray anymore. I had prayed and prayed and my prayers never went beyond the room I was in. At least that is how I felt. My strength was gone. I had cried for days but no one cared (except Jim, who was powerless to fix it.) God why? Why do I have to have this? Why do I have to hurt? Why can't I feel better? Can you hear me God? Are you listening? Do you care?

Every now and then I recall a simple phrase or melody
It comforts and it quiets, lifts me up and then it carries me
Far above the pain and hurt I think will never end
The song speaks words I cannot and it calms the fears within

In the past couple of months God has brought back hymns, songs, melodies, poems, notes, and scriptures that I have known and have relied on before. I have used them as a basis for what I KNOW, not what I FEEL. These songs, "I Surrender All," "Count Your Blessings," "Shelter Me," "Marvelous Grace," "Hurt by Hurt," "Praise His Name," "Roses Will Bloom Again", etc. all have a phrase or a chorus or a message that lifts me above the pain and the hurt that I think will never end. They help to calm the fears that happen when I can't breathe. They say the words that I can't. They give me peace that God is listening and that He does care. I have found myself thanking God for the music and the writers.

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray hear my heart, 
When I don't have strength to try and I've cried all I can cry hear my heart
Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak
You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I'm weak
So I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart.
Lord I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart

I am comforted by what I KNOW—that when the words are gone, my prayers are just mumbles that make no sense, when I am exhausted and my tears are all cried out. God knows my fears, my weaknesses and doubts. If I am quiet and still and I rest in Him, no words are needed because He can hear my heart.

Blessings



Volume knob photo courtesy Salvatore Vuono, freedigitalphotos.net