Stephen always says to me that I am the best. Most of the time I really appreciate it when he tells me that and I hug him and thank him for making me feel good. You see that is who he is. His heart is huge and he love me and I know it. Today when he said that though it didn't make me feel better. I don't feel like I am the best at anything.
I know that sometimes we cannot trust our feelings but sometimes we can and today I can't doubt them. I can try to list the things that I am good at and things I do well but there are days that the list seems relatively short and insignificant compared to the list of things I can't seem to do well. Today is one of those days.
Some days I wonder why God leaves me here. What good am I to Him or to my family? I do not have a job, I can't seem to finish school, I can't do enough to make everyone happy, I can't contribute to the home financially, I don't do enough to take care of Mom, I have a bad heart, I have Chronic Fatigue and I feel like a failure in most ways. Maybe it is just a feeling but sometimes feelings are very strong and overwhelming. It doesn't help that Cameron's Angel Day is coming up and I miss my baby so much that my heart is breaking.
I wish people would understand that what they say and how they say it can impact other people in such a way as to make them feel insignificant and unworthy to draw another breath. I know we shouldn't let people dictate who we are and how we feel about ourselves but it is easier said than done.
What we do. How we do it. Where we go with it. And if you read long enough, we may tell you why.
I think you're fabulous! And God doesn't make anyone that's worthless. I will pray for you. I know that feeling ALL too well. I've been very ill the past year. Some parts pregnancy other parts with a chronic illness. I spend a lot of time sitting either on the couch or in bed. I feel so guilty and so worthless. I look around at all the things I need to do that I cannot do for myself (or my family). Fr. John Ricardo always says it's at those times that God can really use us most (I'm paraphrasing as I have no real memory, lol). So I try to pray during those times. Those times when I feel weak, worthless, alone, whatever. I pray for other people, I pray for myself. You are a beautiful person and I'm blessed to know you!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy! That helps more than you know. God has really blessed me and my family with the new friends we have made at Explorer's. I tend to be kind of stand offish with new people and it takes me a long time to let people into my world but the people at Explorer's have just kind of infiltrated under my radar scope and become friends. That is only through God and His grace.
ReplyDelete