Would I let go of the wheel?

Tonight I watched the movie Courageous and it made me ask myself the question "Would I let go of the wheel?"

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, in the beginning scene a man risks his life when his truck is stolen from a gas station. HE jumps onto the running board of the truck and fights off the thief. He almost falls more than once until finally the truck runs off the road. He wasn't trying to just save the truck but I won't give anymore of it away than that but later the police officers who had responded to the call asked themselves would they have done the same thing. Would they have let go of the wheel? Would they have allowed the thief to steal something precious to them?

As I watch my beautiful son grow into a young man I am often tempted to think he doesn't need me now. He is making decisions for himself and for the most part actually does a pretty good job with the choices he makes. Like all boys he would much rather play video games or watch television than do his school work but when the importance of doing the work is pointed out to him he often chooses to do the right thing with a fairly good attitude. Sometimes he is a typical 10 year old and while he does what is asked of him it is not always with a good attitude. At those times God calls me to direct and be patient and teach him what is truly important. I have found myself losing patience and getting frustrated. Lately, especially since the move, I feel like I lose patience more than I should. I am beginning to realize that I feel as if I am judged by how he behaves. If he does his school work, is he getting enough school, would he be better off in the public school system, is he being allowed too much freedom, are you being too lenient, are you being too strict? All of these questions are not coming from me but from other people. At one time I didn't listen to them, I simply told people that he was my son and it was my choice and decision. I was the one who had to answer to God for who he was and how he behaved. I am realizing though that I have begun to lose sight of that belief.

Am I the Mom God has called me to be? Do I just do for him or am I doing things with him? Do I spend time with him or is it all about doing things around him?

As I watched the movie tonight I was struck with the realization that more and more I am doing around him. I do his laundry but rarely do I ask him to help me. I fix his food but it is easier to do it myself so I don't include him. I take him to our home school co op but don't always interact with him. I read to him at night but he is up in his bed (loft bed) while I am sitting in the chair on the floor. Is it enough? Will he grow up feeling like his Mama spent time with him or will he grow up wondering what was so important that I didn't have time for him?

I remember growing up my Mom worked full time (with much overtime) and my Dad owned his own business and both of them worked many hours outside the home. I basically grew up going to school and coming home waiting for them to get home from work. I don't remember spending alot of time with either of them. I knew in my head that they were working to provide for me but I also knew I would rather do with much less if I could only have them.

So it begs the questions, who does God call us to be as parents? I am asking myself that question now and I feel a pull in my heart and my spirit to find the answer. I think maybe I need to ask God but I also think I need to ask my son.

I know what I will be doing in the morning. I don't know if I will ever have a more important conversation with my son. Tonight prayer will include "Lord, guide my words as I talk to my child about what he needs me to be. Thank you for entrusting his life to me and help me be the Mom you need me to be so he can grow to be the man you want him to be." Tonight I promise God, my son and myself that I will NEVER let go of the wheel. I will never let someone take from me what God has entrusted to me. I will not even let my own tiredness, frustration, business or distractions rob me of the time I have to be with my little boy. The time is too short and the outcome to crucial to be distracted by life. He is my life! I will NOT let go of the wheel regardless of what is coming down the road. I will keep my focus

I don't know if Jim will join me in this or not (he didn't see the movie) but that is between him and God. I just know I HAVE to do this and I pray that those of you who know us and are my support system will hold me to the commitment I am making tonight to my son and my Lord. I know that I have friends who love me and will back me in this and for that I am truly grateful (you know who you are).

May God bless all of our children regardless of their age. They will always need their parents and we will always be proud of who they become when we are who God calls us to be.

Good Night!