Count Your Blessings

Last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I was listening to instrumental hymns, as has become my custom. I have found various YouTube compilations and have also downloaded some from iTunes and Grooveshark.

I am really beginning to think that this is God's way of talking to me because it happened again. I was trying to fight the feelings of despair that sometimes overwhelm me. This is a tough month for me because it is the anniversary of losing our son. We're still living in Michigan, in my Mom's house. It doesn't matter that we gave up our home to live with her so she could stay in her home, it is still HER house. It doesn't matter that we take care of it and do everything and pay most of the bills, it is still HER house, and so I find myself frustrated with not having a place to call home. I'm frustrated with feeling like I still need to ask permission (I am almost 50 years old). I'm frustrated that Jim works 60-70 hours a week but we still don't seem to be getting ahead. In fact, sometimes we feel like we are going backwards. I'm frustrated that I have yet another diagnosis of a chronic illness (Autoimmune Neutropenia) and I have spent another four months sick and confined because what might be a sniffle to someone else can become pneumonia to me.

While feeling all those frustrations a song began—Count Your Blessings. I started singing along in my head, and at first was angry. I couldn't count my blessings. There weren't any. How could I be thankful for anything right now. Then Jesus gently reminded me that I most definitely have blessings to count, starting with the man gently snoring beside me. He loves me and I know it. He is there for me and has stuck by me through the illnesses that have taken over our lives—Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Postpartum Cardiomyopathy, Fibromyalgia, and now this new one. Any one of these is life altering and I have all four. Yet he still loves me. He works hard at taking care of me. He makes sure Stephen gets to his guitar lessons and the his homeschool co-op. He takes Mom to get her hair done, does the grocery shopping, cooks when I can't and just simply shows me that he loves me by being there. He does all of it without complaining, even during the times I am being a brat and take my frustration out on him, even during the times when I forget to say thank you. Why shouldn't I be thankful for that. I actually had someone I thought was a friend tell his wife he was glad it was me and not her because he wouldn't do what Jim does. SERIOUSLY? This man says he is a Christian, I have to wonder if that would be God's attitude.

I have something else to be grateful for—my greatest gift from God. This blessing is 6' tall and all 13 year-old hormones!  He is attitudinal, sweet, strong, gentle, smart, humble, arrogant and loving all rolled up in one. I am sure I forgot some of his traits but you get the picture. He is all boy and as rough and tumble as they come unless he is dealing with me. With Mama, he is gentle and patient. He is tender and caring, just like a man should be, and strong, godly and loving. He wouldn't be most of these things if he hadn't had to learn them dealing with my illness. Don't get me wrong, he knows me as healthy as well. I am not always sick but over the past few years I have been. I fight for my health because of Stephen. Sometimes it has been a real fight and at times I'm ready to give up, but then I see by beautiful son and I have to wonder what he would be like without me. I want to live to see him grow and become the man God has designed him to be.

It is hard to live in the same house as my Mother. I feel like she has never welcomed us in her home even though we gave up ours for her. We do the cooking, cleaning, yard work, laundry, any maintenance or upkeep. We take her wherever she needs (or wants) to go. Every month, we make the trek to her doctor to pick up her prescription and then drive 20 miles the other way to the only drug store we can find that carries it.  Because it is a narcotic, we must do everything in person. I don't resent it and will continue to do it because I don't want her in pain and while it doesn't stop all the pain, it helps some. Many things she says and does are hurtful to me but I realize it is because of the constant pain she is in and has been in for 20+ years. I can't always blame her. Can I consider all of this a blessing, especially when my own poor health makes it harder?

Yes, it is a blessing. Why? She is still here with us. When my step Dad died 5 years ago, my heart broke. Then 9 months later, my biological father died. My Mom is the only parent I have left and frankly I am grateful that I still have her. She is a blessing. I can't imagine what I will feel when she is gone, so for today I am going to cherish her still being with us. Will it always be easy? No! Does it hurt when she is not nice, or biting. Yes. Will I sometimes want time away? Of course I will. She is still my Mom and I will take care of her. God has allowed her to still be with us and I will do what I can to make that time better for her. She is moving to Florida with us and I am glad for that. I look forward to her being close and I am praying that the weather there will help her pain the way the doctors think it will. I want her with us, and with us without pain.

As for living with her—I have a roof over my head. We have a place to sleep. We are not homeless!  That in and of itself is something to be thankful for. I am sure there are many people out there right now that would appreciate a place to sleep every night. Enough said?

I still have health issues but without them, would I have had the time or the impetus to find my way back to God? I have wandered in a wilderness of my own making for many years. I have been angry with God for many things but for the past two years I have mostly had to be kind of quiet. I haven't been able to do very many things. Theater has not been an option because it is stressful and full of people and their germs. I can't even go to church because of the crowds. (Neutropenia compromises the ability to fight germs). These things were my life and now they are gone. I can't go to stores, go to friends' houses, parties, nothing! In two years I can count on one had how many times my friends have come to see me. That hurts, but it is my reality. I could choose to be bitter but I am choosing not to be. I can't say it isn't painful but I have realized that my "friends" have forsaken me but my best friends are Jim and most importantly Jesus, who have not left me. I am grateful and I have been able to put what is important first.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

I have definitely felt tossed recently and I have thought all was lost, but if I stop and count my blessings, I was surprised at what I do have.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

I have felt like the burden is too heavy. 

Why God? Why, do I have to be sick? Why does Mom have to be sick? Why, did my baby have to die? Why did we have to give up our home? Then I realized that although my cross did seem heavy, the greatest blessing I have is the ability to lay these burdens at the foot of the cross and leave them there. I think that is a pretty wonderful blessing.


When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

Jim and I may not be rich. We may never have incredible wealth, but I know that I have Jim, Stephen and a relationship with God, and for me that is enough. The other stuff is nice but I am learning to be happy with my needs being met first. Sometimes my health creates needs that seem like "extravagances" and I feel guilty.  It's OK—I am still learning.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

I am on a new journey. I have finally found the path back to where I need to be. It has been along time wandering in darkness but I have finally begun to step onto God's path. I know Angels are watching out for me because the doctors said I wouldn't survive another winter in Michigan. Guess what? Spring is here and I am alive. It has been hard and I still am not breathing well but I am breathing better. I have only had 1 breathing treatment in three days instead of two or three a day. I have friends who are into homeopathic medicines that are researching and helping find things for me. They have even come to see us. Jim, Stephen, and I are beginning a new project and venture that will be fun for everyone.  Stay tuned!

Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

I am not trying to give anyone advice here. I am very opinionated ask anyone who knows me is aware, but I can't tell you how to live your life. I will say though that if you are feeling discouraged and if you are feeling overwhelmed by life follow the advice of this tried and true hymn. Take some time to count your blessings and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Blessings.