If God Seems Far Away

WHO MOVED?

OK, so which one of my Temple Christian High School friends remembers that statement? I remember hearing that so often it became seared into my brain. What I am realizing as I get older (I refuse to admit that I am yet old) is that just because I can say something, or can remember being taught something, doesn't mean that I believe it or understand it.

For the past few years, I have felt like even though I knew God loved me and I loved Him, He felt very unreachable. I knew all the catch phrases and I knew in m head what I needed to do, but sometimes head knowledge doesn't work.

I could hear the question, "If God seems far away, who moved?" over and over in my head.  Somehow I think I even knew I was the one who pulled away but I didn't know how to stop it.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't doing anything really BAD:  I wasn't doing drugs, getting drunk, cheating on Jim, or abusing Stephen. Those who know me know that none of those describes me but especially not this time. I felt a loneliness in my heart that Jim, Stephen, friends, family, no one could fill. I think I even knew who needed to fill the void but I had no idea how to find Him again.

What I realized is this:  just because I knew I was the one who moved away from God and walked away from the relationship I had with Him doesn't mean I knew how to find my way back. I spent a long time wandering through a "wilderness" of my own making. I was angry and frustrated. I could still pray but I felt like I wasn't getting any answers. It was like my prayers hit the ceiling and went no further.  

How did I find Him again? Where was He? Where did He go? Why wouldn't He answer me? Why wasn't He listening? Doesn't He care? Why was He letting me get hurt? People who I though were my friends were turning on me—why did He let that happen? My baby died—why did He let that happen? I am sick—why won't He heal me? I have been sick for almost 2 years—why is He letting this happen? I can't take this anymore—where are you God?

This has been my life for many years. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying, because to me it wasn't doing any good anyway. Prayer at meals was just a ritual. My heart was totally not in it. I stopped going to church—stopped caring. I can honestly say I never stopped believing in God. I just stopped believing God cared about me.

Last April, Jim and I decided we were going to move. We needed to leave Michigan and try to begin again. We prayed (I know, I stopped praying, right) and I made a decision that I was going to do what I knew in my head was right. I was going to walk in faith that God was going to help us start a new life. My health had gotten so bad that the Doctors had said I might not survive another Michigan winter (I almost didn't, by the way, but more on that later). Jim has been working 20 hour days and we are still just barely making it. Mom needs to get away from the cold weather and so we prayed.  Florida is where we decided to go. We felt that God was directing this because it was where jobs were for Jim. It was a climate that was better for Mom and the Doctors had told me that it would be a good place for me.  

This is where things began to change for me. I knew I needed to walk in faith believing that God would provide. We began packing things up, things we didn't need.  We had a huge garage sale (EVERYTHING SOLD!). Jim began applying for jobs. Jim and I began praying together everyday. Nothing happened but I still was determined to do what my head knew to do.

Then the house fell apart. The pipe under the bathtub in the main bathroom burst right before Christmas. I got extremely sick again. Winter arrived. This is when the questions began again. Seriously, GOD? Why? Where are you? Why won't you help us? Why do you hate me? Why don't you care what happens to me? Why are you there for everyone else but not for me?

Then I kept hearing a verse, over and over again. Sometimes it was in a song on the radio, or on a TV show, or I would read it in a book. Sometimes it was directly related to something Christian and other times it was totally secular. The verse?

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM HERE

A simple phrase that speaks so loudly! I decided I needed to stop trying so hard and just simply rest in Him. To rest in His promises. I decided to do something I haven't done since high school and I decided to read the Bible through. I have done this a few times in the past but always because I was "supposed" to, not because I wanted.  

I am through Exodus and I figured out that if God can lead 650,000+ complaining people out of bondage and through a desert for 40 years, feeding them and leading them, He is probably big enough to get me to Florida and to restore my health, if that is that is supposed to happen.

Everyday I read and I find things I didn't know. I am realizing that while I heard many things in school about God and many of them stuck and have carried me through my life, I have a long way to go before I have heard it all.  

I have managed to fight my way through the thick underbrush of the forest of darkness and desperation I have been wandering in and am beginning to see some light. My heart is not hurting and I don't feel the sense of desperation that I was feeling. I can't say the depression and anxiety is completely gone yet but I can breathe in the knowledge that God is again walking nearby. I can't say that I totally feel Him next to me or carrying me but He is close, and for right now, that is a good feeling.

I remind myself daily that I just need to be still and know that God is near and the wait is a little easier. I have had to do that quite a bit as I struggle with pneumonia again, and a new diagnosis, that is discouraging. The good news is that while it is ANOTHER chronic illness, it is controllable and can get better. 

I am grateful for the knowledge that was given to me growing up. I appreciate all that I learned in my Christian school and church. I thank God for the teachers that taught me phrases like, "If God seems far away—who moved? If it weren't for them and that phrase, I would not have been able to survive the darkness and begin to find my way back to the light. My journey is long and has really just begun, but I know that I am strong because Jesus will be holding my hand.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.