OK God I get it!

The past few days Stephen, Mom and I went to see my cousin in Grand Rapids. I actually needed to go to the Home school bookstore to pick up tests that go with our curriculum that we use for Stephen. Somehow in the midst of the move I have the answer keys but have lost the actual tests. Judy (my cousin) lives a few miles from the store so it is always a trip we look forward to because we get to see "JuJu" at the same time.

JuJu is actually my Mom's cousin but she and I have always been close and now she is Stephen's second Grandma. He doesn't quite understand that not everyone has a JuJu and frankly he thinks they all should. He looks forward to going to her house whenever we can.

This time, with Mom going with us we decided to stay in a hotel. We were going on Thursday evening and were supposed to come back on Saturday afternoon. Apparently God had other plans because with the ice storm we decided to stay an extra night rather than make the three hour drive on a skating rink. Jim came over on Friday night (driving in the ice) to spend time with Stephen and I. Jim and I have both committed to each other and to Stephen to put more time into loving our son instead of just taking care of physical needs. That means playing with him and laughing with him. That also means going swimming with him, even in February.

The hotel we were staying at had an indoor pool. We had switched hotels for the extra night for many reasons but the new hotel seemed quite a bit nicer. On Saturday afternoon the boys went swimming and I took Mom to Judy's. We were going to meet up again for dinner and then all of us would go back to swim some more. That is what we did. After dinner Mom, Jim, Stephen and I went back to the hotel. Jim and Stephen went to the pool and I helped Mom get ready for bed, then I went to the pool. When I went in Jim looked cold in the water so I was hesitant about jumping in. Finally I dove into the water. BIG MISTAKE!!!! The water was so cold that it took my breath away. (As many of you know, when I had Stephen I developed a heart condition called Post Partem Cardiomyopathy which is a form of congestive heart failure. Usually it isn't a problem but I have a major problem with regulating my body temperature. I can get too hot or too cold very easily and very quickly.) When I came up out of the water I couldn't breath and my heart was racing. My left arm was numb and I had shooting pain into my jaw. I had felt this before and I knew my heart was in trouble. Unfortunately I was in 9 feet of water in the middle of the pool. Jim knew immediately I was in trouble and came swimming fast. He helped me to the side and out of the pool. I sat quietly for a while and got warmed up. My heart began to slow down and I began to get feeling into my arm again. The pain subsided and I knew I had just missed a bad heart attack.

I asked myself that night as I was laying in bed why God would let this happen again. With losing weight and getting healthier I have not had a problem with Chronic Fatigue, Bronchitis, Pneumonia or any of the other illnesses I have struggled with for so many years. I prayed and said Lord why don't you heal my heart now. I want to play with my son, I want to be healthy for Jim, I want to be active and able to do all the things I want to do. I think I know the answer now.

Before the incident in the pool, Jim and I had planned on swimming with Stephen for a while and then taking him back to the room with Grandma so we could go back to the hot tub together. That sounded good but what happened instead was much sweeter and more rewarding. Obviously I wasn't interested in getting overheated or overstimulated so after we got Stephen settled in the room we went to the lobby to just sit and talk. Grandma and Stephen were sleeping and we didn't want to disturb them. WE sat together and talked about our relationship with each other, Stephen and God for about two hours. It was a good time or connecting and loving each other that would not have happened in the hot tub. I realized later that if I am wonder woman (as many people think I am) than I would not be made to slow down on occasion and experience the quiet times. I get so wrapped up in doing theater and home schooling and taking care of Mom and etc, etc, etc that I forget to spend quiet times connecting with the people I am spending so much time doing for. I would have missed the two hours with my husband that have been special to me. It also provided Jim the opportunity to show me how much he does care because he didn't leave early and drive back for a rehearsal, instead he stayed there with us today so he could drive home with me and make sure I arrived safely. That meant a lot because it showed me I was important. We all need to feel important sometimes.

We often ask God why He doesn't fix things that to us seem like they are broken. I am beginning to realize that what is broken to me is not necessarily broken to God. As I begin now the recovery process from this (and it does take time of quiet healing and rest) I can remember that God is in control, I am still alive, I spent quality time with my husband and I made it home safely. What else is important?

By the way WE LOVE YOU JUJU!!!!!

Would I let go of the wheel?

Tonight I watched the movie Courageous and it made me ask myself the question "Would I let go of the wheel?"

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, in the beginning scene a man risks his life when his truck is stolen from a gas station. HE jumps onto the running board of the truck and fights off the thief. He almost falls more than once until finally the truck runs off the road. He wasn't trying to just save the truck but I won't give anymore of it away than that but later the police officers who had responded to the call asked themselves would they have done the same thing. Would they have let go of the wheel? Would they have allowed the thief to steal something precious to them?

As I watch my beautiful son grow into a young man I am often tempted to think he doesn't need me now. He is making decisions for himself and for the most part actually does a pretty good job with the choices he makes. Like all boys he would much rather play video games or watch television than do his school work but when the importance of doing the work is pointed out to him he often chooses to do the right thing with a fairly good attitude. Sometimes he is a typical 10 year old and while he does what is asked of him it is not always with a good attitude. At those times God calls me to direct and be patient and teach him what is truly important. I have found myself losing patience and getting frustrated. Lately, especially since the move, I feel like I lose patience more than I should. I am beginning to realize that I feel as if I am judged by how he behaves. If he does his school work, is he getting enough school, would he be better off in the public school system, is he being allowed too much freedom, are you being too lenient, are you being too strict? All of these questions are not coming from me but from other people. At one time I didn't listen to them, I simply told people that he was my son and it was my choice and decision. I was the one who had to answer to God for who he was and how he behaved. I am realizing though that I have begun to lose sight of that belief.

Am I the Mom God has called me to be? Do I just do for him or am I doing things with him? Do I spend time with him or is it all about doing things around him?

As I watched the movie tonight I was struck with the realization that more and more I am doing around him. I do his laundry but rarely do I ask him to help me. I fix his food but it is easier to do it myself so I don't include him. I take him to our home school co op but don't always interact with him. I read to him at night but he is up in his bed (loft bed) while I am sitting in the chair on the floor. Is it enough? Will he grow up feeling like his Mama spent time with him or will he grow up wondering what was so important that I didn't have time for him?

I remember growing up my Mom worked full time (with much overtime) and my Dad owned his own business and both of them worked many hours outside the home. I basically grew up going to school and coming home waiting for them to get home from work. I don't remember spending alot of time with either of them. I knew in my head that they were working to provide for me but I also knew I would rather do with much less if I could only have them.

So it begs the questions, who does God call us to be as parents? I am asking myself that question now and I feel a pull in my heart and my spirit to find the answer. I think maybe I need to ask God but I also think I need to ask my son.

I know what I will be doing in the morning. I don't know if I will ever have a more important conversation with my son. Tonight prayer will include "Lord, guide my words as I talk to my child about what he needs me to be. Thank you for entrusting his life to me and help me be the Mom you need me to be so he can grow to be the man you want him to be." Tonight I promise God, my son and myself that I will NEVER let go of the wheel. I will never let someone take from me what God has entrusted to me. I will not even let my own tiredness, frustration, business or distractions rob me of the time I have to be with my little boy. The time is too short and the outcome to crucial to be distracted by life. He is my life! I will NOT let go of the wheel regardless of what is coming down the road. I will keep my focus

I don't know if Jim will join me in this or not (he didn't see the movie) but that is between him and God. I just know I HAVE to do this and I pray that those of you who know us and are my support system will hold me to the commitment I am making tonight to my son and my Lord. I know that I have friends who love me and will back me in this and for that I am truly grateful (you know who you are).

May God bless all of our children regardless of their age. They will always need their parents and we will always be proud of who they become when we are who God calls us to be.

Good Night!

New Year - New Life - Millionaire

What a year 2011 turned out to be. I look back over the blog from last year and I realized I haven't posted in almost a year. Shame on me but when I thought about catching everyone up on what has happened and why I hadn't posted I realized I didn't have enough room to type it all up. With that being said I will try to summarize 2011 briefly and then maybe you will understand.

My last post was in March so lets begin in April:

April 2011 - Jim and I were working on "Once Upon a Mattress" during this month and for two more months we would be focusing on this show. 30+ teenage cast members as well as another 15 backstage teens and lots of parents. This is a recipe for chaos and it was but it was a blast and the show was a smashing success.

May 2011 - More "Once Upon a Mattress" rehearsals every Saturday, set building on Saturday, rehearsal on Tuesday and trying (though sometimes not very successfully) to get Stephen finished with 4th grade before 2012.

June 2011 - Mattress goes up. It was a HIT!!! After that we rested for about a day because Stephen's 10th (double digit) birthday was approaching quickly.

July 2011 - Stephen's birthday party happened on July 17 (or around there)I don't remember the exact date. Thirty + people in the yard for a pool party. Two weeks later I had an extensive oral surgery process begun. On July 28th they removed all of my upper teeth. My teeth were soft, brittle and falling out due to an infection in the gums. I healed ok from it but I bruised all the way down to my chest.

August 2011 - Round 2 of the surgery process happened August 7th. Let me just say that if someone tells you they want to remove or reshape your Tores RUN FAR AWAY!!! The Tores is the little bony thing that is in your palate and apparently they didn't think mine was shaped correctly to support the rest of the work they had to do so they did a reshaping/removal procedure, they do this with a hammer and chisel. NO I AM NOT KIDDING! I was sedated but no amount of sedation, unless it is a general anesthetic, will stop you from feeling them hammer and chisel your mouth. Thanks to the love and support of my incredible husband, son and Mom, I got through it and began to heal.

September 2011 - Still focused on the healing process. Began helping some dear friends through a very rough patch. I believe that God only gives us what we can handle but I also feel He pushed me in September. I guess He didn't though because I did handle it. Did I forget to mention we STILL homeschool! Through it all, much to Stephen's dismay, school goes on!

October 2011 - We MOVED!!! With Dad's death and Mom's health declining we realized that she couldn't be alone anymore. I was having to come to her house in the morning, get her dressed, go back home, come back and fix her dinner, go back home fix dinner, come back and get her undressed and then do it all again tomorrow! SHEESH!! I would clean my house so I had time to clean hers. I would do my grocery shopping so I could take her, I would shovel our driveway only so I could get out to come shovel hers. It didn't take me long to realize I needed one home to care for. Her house is 2900 square feet on almost an acre and ours was 1000 square feet on a city lot - DO THE MATH. We moved. We actually moved our things out of our house on October 17th. The garages and out buildings here at Mom's were packed but we did it. LOVE YOU TIM, NANCY, CHRIS, JULIE, DON, SHARON, CHRISTIAN, ASHLEY and anyone else I forgot. We couldn't have done it without you.

November 2011 - On November 17th I put the final box away in the house. I cleaned the house and thought I can sit down now. NOPE!!! While I had been doing all the work of putting away and organizing Mom had been chomping at the bit to put up Christmas (Did I mention it hadn't even been Thanksgiving yet?). I had no sooner put the vacuum cleaner away until she began dragging out boxes for Christmas. This is NOT an exaggeration either. I can honestly say I love my Mom dearly but she can be difficult sometimes. This comes from living in constant and chronic pain for many years. I smiled and we put up Christmas. God really protected my health through all of this because I actually didn't have any problems with the CFS. It has been amazing.

December 2011 - Christmas came and went with no drama or upheaval this year. Since the past two Christmases STUNK in a huge way this one was relatively quiet. It went on forever that day though because it seemed to happen in shifts but it was fine. It was nice to just have some time with family. It was nice to see Stephen excited and see Mom and Jim both a little relaxed and Stephen laughing. It is still a hard day because it was only the second one without Papa and we realized on Christmas Day in 2009 he wasn't going to make it. It will always tarnish Christmas some but that is why God gave us Stephen, so that we could remember, even when it hurts, that life continues on.

January 2012 - Well here we are. It was been a strange winter weather wise. No real snow accumulation, which for Michigan is strange. Warmer temperatures, many days I am just in a sweat shirt. Yet I am freezing. Why you may ask? Well, I have discovered an incredible diet plan. I do NOT recommend that you try it but it has worked wonders for me. If you wonder what it is you haven't read the entire blog so let me sum it up for you - HAVE ALL YOUR TEETH PULLED, HAVE YOUR MOUTH RESHAPED WITH A HAMMER AND CHISEL THEN MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOTHER. Like I said great diet plan I do NOT recommend it. With that being said I started at a little over 300 pounds (It is hard for me to write that publicly but I determined to never be there again and if I am not going back I have nothing to be ashamed of now) and as of today I am at 214. You can do your own math. I am VERY proud of myself and feel better than I have in years. Now I am on the weight watcher program and loving it. I still am not finished with the dental process but it is coming to an end soon. I can eat quite a few things now and most of them are not low fat - mashed potatoes, potato soup, pasta etc. Now I am beginning to retrain myself to eat healthy because I will NEVER be there again.

February 2012 - Who knows what this year will bring. I used to believe I could handle anything life threw at me. While there were times this past year I doubted it, when I look around I realized that I did survive.

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day. We talked about everything that had happened to both of us in the past year and while some was good and some was HORRIBLE we both realized that God had blessed us with husbands who loves us, children we love and who love us, intact marriages, parents, that while aging are still reasonably healthy, our health (we are still breathing) and many other basic things, like food, shelter, clothes and so on.

I guess I may not be rich in material things but when I look back on 2011 I realize how rich I am inside!