La Vie en Pinard

Welcome to our blog. Mostly you will see posts from Vikki but occasionally Jim will post and so will Stephen.

Enjoy catching up with us.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

So I'll Be Quiet



A couple of weeks ago I wrote a Blog talking about when I don't know what to pray. In that blog, I talked about asking God to hear my heart when I couldn't find the words. Today I found another song that talks about just that. In case you haven't figured it out yet, God uses music to reach me. I am not sure why exactly, other than I love music (most kinds) and it allows me to settle and be still. It softens my heart and allows me to really hear what He wants me to hear because I can block out the hurts, worries, and cares of the day. I want to share this song with you and the thoughts that I have on it.



Sometimes I feel no one's ever been in this place before
This is hard and I'm not sure that I can do this anymore
I know some day I'll look back, and all this won't seem real
But Lord right now I need you to know just how I feel

Sometimes living with a chronic illness is an isolating feeling. You feel like no one can ever understand what you are feeling or how you are hurting. You want to give up. I have many times. I can't count the number of times I have said to Jim, "I can't do this anymore—I wish I could die."  
 
Stephen at Robotics competition
I think I knew even as I spoke those words that I didn't want to die. I wanted to watch Stephen grow up and become a man of God. I wanted to be a part of teaching him how to do that but I didn't know if I could because I had gotten so angry with God. I knew I was lost and had pushed God away from me, so how could I teach my son about Him? How could I tell Stephen to trust in something I didn't even trust myself. I had to find a way. 

It hurt so much to be lost and to feel isolated, yet want so much to be surrounded with love and support and for the pain to stop. Even as I have gone through it I have thought that this can't be real. I can't really be living this life. I can't have this condition. I can't have turned from the God I was taught to love. I think even in my darkest time God was with me. I didn't know how to reach out to Him. I didn't know how to ask Him for help, but He knew. He knew what I needed.

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray hear my heart,
When I don't have strength to try and I've cried all I can cry hear my heart
Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak
You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I'm weak

So I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart.


There were no words. I couldn't pray anymore. I had prayed and prayed and my prayers never went beyond the room I was in. At least that is how I felt. My strength was gone. I had cried for days but no one cared (except Jim, who was powerless to fix it.) God why? Why do I have to have this? Why do I have to hurt? Why can't I feel better? Can you hear me God? Are you listening? Do you care?

Every now and then I recall a simple phrase or melody
It comforts and it quiets, lifts me up and then it carries me
Far above the pain and hurt I think will never end
The song speaks words I cannot and it calms the fears within


In the past couple of months God has brought back hymns, songs, melodies, poems, notes, and scriptures that I have known and have relied on before. I have used them as a basis for what I KNOW, not what I FEEL. These songs, "I Surrender All," "Count Your Blessings," "Shelter Me," "Marvelous Grace," "Hurt by Hurt," "Praise His Name," "Roses Will Bloom Again", etc. all have a phrase or a chorus or a message that lifts me above the pain and the hurt that I think will never end. They help to calm the fears that happen when I can't breathe. They say the words that I can't. They give me peace that God is listening and that He does care. I have found myself thanking God for the music and the writers.

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray hear my heart, 

When I don't have strength to try and I've cried all I can cry hear my heart
Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak
You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I'm weak
So I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart.
Lord I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart


I am comforted by what I KNOW—that when the words are gone, my prayers are just mumbles that make no sense, when I am exhausted and my tears are all cried out. God knows my fears, my weaknesses and doubts. If I am quiet and still and I rest in Him, no words are needed because He can hear my heart.

Blessings



Volume knob photo courtesy Salvatore Vuono, freedigitalphotos.net