Moving in Faith

When I was growing up and going to a Baptist school, I was taught the definition of "faith". Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. I could tell you what they wanted to hear on a test. I knew all the right answers in Bible class (straight A's) BUT did I really know how to live it? Did I know how to put that knowledge into play when I really needed it. The answer - short and simple -NO. It wasn't anyone's fault really, I learned what they needed to teach. I never questioned it any further. I had no idea, until recently, how to put it into practice. I had to learn what it meant to REALLY have faith.

Why am I talking about this in this Blog? Here is why. We are STILL waiting BUT we are moving forward. I get so frustrated when I hear people say that they have faith that God is going to provide and then they sit and wait. My question is when did God become your slave? What makes people think that they can tell God what they want and then wait for it. I wish I had been their child. If that is how it works in their family that would be pretty awesome. Make my demand and then sit and wait for someone to do it - not bad work if you can get it. I don't believe, however, that God works that way. It is definitely not how Jim and I raise Stephen. Stephen tells us what he needs and what he wants but I do not always just give it to him. Sometimes he has to work for it. Sometimes he knows he is getting something but he has to do the prep work for it. He got a new chair for his room but he had to clean the area before it could come in. It is not in his best interest to just give him everything he wants. I am not teaching him anything and not preparing him for life. Stephen knows, without any doubts, that his needs will be met. He also knows that we do what we can to meet his wants to but it doesn't always happen. Our move to Florida is not a want, it is a need. The Doctors have told me I need to get out of Michigan and go to a warmer climate. I know God understands that. I believe God could have healed me but HE has chosen not to, YET! I still believe God will heal me, but I may have to do some of the work to make it happen. I need to take the action prescribed by the Doctors and get the rest. Following doctors orders doesn't mean I don't have faith that God will heal me, it means that I am smart enough to trust in the provisions that God has given us to help us be well.

That is what I think God asks us to do. If I have the faith that God is going to provide the job and the house and everything else my family needs in Florida, shouldn't I show Him I have that faith by getting ready? I tell God I trust Him and believe He is going to help us with our needs, but if Jim doesn't send out resumes am I really showing God I trust or am i giving myself the excuse to be angry at God because He didn't do what I wanted? God has provided Doctors to help us, but if I don't take advantage of them am I being wise wit God has provided?

I said all of that to say that we are STILL waiting but we are not sitting quietly waiting for the job we are actively getting ready because we BELIEVE that it is coming. We are expecting word this week on one job. It may be an offer or it may not work out but either way we are getting ready because we know God is going to provide. Waiting is hard though, I will admit it.

Our house is almost packed, we are getting ready to begin the cleaning process to get it ready to sell. It is strange to be doing this. I grew up here but it is time to move on. It is time to let go of the past and begin to build new memories in Florida. Our house is a mess but it is temporary. Eventually it will all be cleaned and then moved, messy again and then cleaned again. WOW! It is going to be a BIG job!

For now we pack, clean, remove wall paper, fix stuff, paint and TRUST! (If anyone has some extra time, I wouldn't say not to any help you could give) We move forward believing God is our provider. That is what I believe we are supposed to do.

For now, we wait. Stay tuned and we will let everyone know what happens. Prayers are always appreciated!

Learning to be Patient and Trust

For any of you who really know me, you are very aware that patience is NOT my strong suit. Neither is trusting. In this process of moving to Florida I have had to learn to be patient and to trust. It is SO NOT EASY!

On September 29th I had surgery on my mouth. I was doing ok and seemed to be healing but then I got the stomach flu! NOT FUN! Now I am struggling with 3 dry sockets. For those who don't know they are very painful. I keep asking why? Why can't it be easy? Why do I have to go through this? Why doesn't Jim have a job yet? Why aren't we already on our way to Florida? Why? Why? Why?

Through all of the healing I would not have been able to deal with the flu and the pain and still take care of Stephen and help Mom by myself. I needed Jim here. If we had gone to Florida before my surgery it would have meant many more months of pain and delay in getting everything fixed. If Jim was already in Florida working and we were here, I would have had to do all of this alone. He would not have been with me at the clinic nor when I came home. He monitored my pain meds, helped me find food I could eat, cooked for Mom and Stephen and in general became my hero again. I was reminded that we are a team. We are there for each other. Through all of the packing and preparing to move, I think I had forgotten that. Not to mention that if he were in Florida already and I was still in Michigan, we would have spent our 15th anniversary in separate states. It wasn't how I planned our 15th anniversary, but we still spent it together.

Now, it is a month later (almost). I am beginning to feel better. The pain is manageable now with Motrin instead of Vicodin. I am beginning to reengage in life. I am able to work with Stephen in school again (we are catching up). I actually went out for a while yesterday. I began working on packing things up again today. It was short by I did it. I am planning for the future again, instead of dreading the surgery.

On Wednesday, October 29, Jim is flying to Florida for a job interview. Now, we are ready. Now I can handle him being gone. Now he can focus on preparing what he needs for the interview. Now he can be down there and not worried about me here. Now, is the perfect time.

What does all this mean, you ask. It means that even through the past month of pain, fear, unrest, frustration, sickness and restlessness, God had us. He knew what I needed and He knew that I needed Jim here. He knew that we needed to be the team that He called us to be. Now I can take care of things around here (not fast but I can do it) and Jim can prepare for the interview. We are praying with everything we have that this is the job. It is a good fit for him and he feels good about it. I keep telling myself they wouldn't be fling him down if he wasn't in the running for it. I have to wonder, if this doesn't work out and it isn't the job God has for him, will I be angry? Will i still trust? I don't know the answer. I hope that I will. I will do everything I can to trust and continue to believe. I can't promise I wont be disappointed or sad, but I will trust. I will try. I have to. God has proven He knows what I need and His timing is better than mine.

We still have a long way to go before we leave and I hope that I will have friends that are willing to help. The house has to be cleaned and gotten ready to sell. We have to finish packing and I still have restrictions. We will see, but I know that I will get it done. I usually do things for myself and I expect it to be that way again. I am the first person people call on for help but usually the last person they are willing to help in return. I am not angry about it anymore, just stating the facts. The thing is, now I know that I can take care of it. Jim and I can do it and with God's help nothing is beyond our reach.

We will be moving to Florida. I know that is where we are supposed to be and I am going to believe.

Well - HERE WE GO AGAIN!! Tomorrow afternoon I will be having another surgery on my mouth. This time on the bottom jaw and gums. I am mildly angry because Jim and I both told them when they did this before they needed to fix this problem as well, because it would eventually need it. NOPE! They told me the teeth would be fine, the gums were fine and everything was good! WRONG!!! I hate it when Dr.'s (Dentists) think they know me and my body better than I do. I know there is nothing I can do about the past and now I have to focus on the future.

This has been a crazy week. We had our HUGE MOVING SALE!!! We began on Thursday with an unbelievable amount of stuff. It was in the garage and the back garage and the driveway. By today at 3:00 I was so over the whole thing I finally told my Mom and Jim as far as I am concerned everything is FREE!! We really didn't have much left other than some quarter and dime stuff. I was tired of people and stuff and sitting in the garage and knowing I needed it all to go away and to get everything cleaned up. After about an hour of that the only thing I really had left was some of the VHS tapes and curriculum books and children's books. A sweet lady came in and started picking up the books and VHS tapes. She told us she is in training in the USA to return to her home in Nigeria and take over the running f a new Missionary School. She took all of the books and curriculum. Anything really that had to do with kids. It was wonderful and a great way to finish out the sale. It really made me feel like God was in this whole thing and is guiding the process. Sometimes because it is taking a while it is hard to remember that it is His time not mine. Today was a reminder.

SO - Tomorrow is surgery, then a couple of weeks of healing. After that we list the furniture in the house that is to be sole, clean it up and prepare it for showing and then we wait for the job. Mostly what is left in the house is stuff we live with. It really wont take long to pack all of that up.

I am getting anxious. Winter is coming and I don't want to be locked in the house. Winter is coming and I don't want to deal with the cold. Winter is coming and I don't want to get pneumonia AGAIN! Winter is coming but I KNOW that God is going to bring Spring again. I am just praying it is Springtime in Florida! Please keep us in prayer through the surgery, healing and the job search. We will all appreciate it!

Where Was I...

I used to hear people say they knew exactly where they were and what they were doing when Kennedy was shot. They knew where they were or what they were doing when Reagan was shot. They could tell you what was happening in their lives at a specific moment in time.

I didn't really understand that before that day. I wasn't alive when Kennedy was shot. I was in high school when Reagan was shot. I called my Mom from the pay phone in the hallway near the front doors of the building to make sure the rumor was true. I didn't think it was that big a deal, not that he was shot, but that I remembered it. I don't know what I felt. I don't know what I thought other than I was happy Reagan didn't die. Who cared where I was at the time? Why was it so important to remember something like that?

Then that day happened. That horrible, nightmarish, unbelievable, mind-blowing day - September 11, 2001. On July 17th of that year my life had forever changed. I had a beautiful baby boy. I almost died giving him life, and was still recovering. Jim had finally been able to go back to work but I had to stay at my Mom's because I still couldn't be alone. I was close to going home but not quite there yet. I woke up that morning and was feeding Stephen. I was sitting in the den at my Mom's house. I was on the couch, on the end nearest the door. I was sitting with my feet up on the couch, feeding, snuggling and playing with my beautiful boy. I was talking to Stephen, telling him that Daddy (Jim) was traveling that day and would be home later that night. Stephen had no idea what I was saying, or that Daddy was not home, I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be alright for an entire day with Jim being so far away. (It is amazing what almost dying will make you wonder about.) Stephen just smiled at me.

Then the world changed, FOREVER! My Mom came to the door and told me that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center Towers. She told me they thought it was an accident. I picked up my baby boy and went into the family room where they (she and my Dad) were watching it on TV. As I walked around the corner and looked at the TV, the second plane slammed into the 2nd tower. I fell onto the couch, holding my baby as close as I could get him. I was shaking and crying. He began to cry and I realized I was holding him too tight. He was uncomfortable. My mind was swimming in a whirlpool of questions.

WHERE WAS JIM?

WAS HE SAFE?

WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?

WERE WE SAFE HERE IN THE HOUSE?

WHO WOULD DO THIS?

WERE WE AT WAR?

WAS THIS LIKE PEARL HARBOR?

WHERE WAS JIM?

WAS HE SAFE?

WHAT WOULD WE DO IF HE WASN'T?

HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THIS.

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING?

WHERE WAS JiM?

WAS HE SAFE?

HOW COULD I KEEP MY BABY SAFE?

WHAT KIND OF WORLD DID I BRING HIM INTO?

WHERE WAS JIM???

It was over three hours before I was able to talk to Jim. I held Stephen the entire time. I wouldn't let my Mom hold him. I wouldn't let me Dad hold him. I wouldn't put him down. I remember having an overwhelming fear at the thought of having to raise him alone in a world that had gone crazy. Then Jim called and in hearing his voice, I began to quiet. When Jim finally got home that night and he held us, I felt safe again and I knew that, at least for the moment, my baby and I were safe. My family, my baby nor I were in the Towers, the Pentagon nor on the plane in Pennsylvania. We were safe at home. We were lucky.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember the feelings, the emotions, the tears, the terror, the helplessness and the protectiveness that I felt for those I loved.

I remember too, the days that followed, when I realized that Stephen's safety and happiness were not solely my responsibility. I was entrusted with this beautiful little man by God and it was my job to raise him to be the man God wants him to be. I can't do that living in fear. I had already overcome many things and put aside many fears. I had to choose to not let these maniacs in planes control my son's future. They were crazy and I had to decide to not let them rule my life.

Today, I have a happy, healthy, strong-willed, determined, well-adjusted, smart opinionated young man. We waited until the 10th anniversary of 9/11 to even talk to him about it. It was a hard conversation. Jim and I did it together. His response was detest (I am not sure that word is strong enough) for Bin Laden. I am actually glad that the military had already gotten him or I think Stephen would have gone himself. We watched a documentary on the attacks and we cried. Mama and Daddy held him, loved him and let him know he was safe. We would do whatever we could to protect him. Then we prayed and put him again in God's hands.

We survived that day. I will never forget where I was, what I was doing or how I felt. I pray that I never do, because if we forget the murderers win. That can't happen!

We don't let that day rule our lives though. We have decided to trust God to keep us safe. I will not live in fear because if I do then the terrorists win. Terrorists cannot have the opportunity to make me live in fear. I am strong, my son is strong, my husband is strong and my God is STRONGER!

9/11 - May We Never Forget!

Sometimes I wonder ... WHAT AM I DOING??? When we began homeschooling it was not on purpose. I did not always plan it. I did not always want to do it. In fact, just the opposite. I looked forward to going to the store by myself. I looked forward to being able to clean the entire house without one room being messed up again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be home alone - by myself - with a book - and a cup of tea - in the quiet - without anyone asking questions. Here is what I didn't know - even if the incident on school day 3 had not happened - I think I would still be a home school parent. Why you ask. Because I think it is important for him. We have our days where I would love to be able to send him to school and have someone else deal with it. Have someone else deal with his lack of interest in Cursive or Predicates. Try to get him to understand why he needs to find the value of x (I still am not sure why I do it). I definitely don't want to teach him to dissect a frog or anything else. It would be easier to let someone else do this, BUT, no one ever said being a parent was easy.

I know that I will have people disagree with me on this. I know there are many people in my life that feel we should put him in school. I guess that is a down side of having friends who are school teachers - BUT - why is it that I am competent enough to teach him to walk, talk, have good manners, how to eat with silverware, how to dress himself, take showers, be responsible, interact with others, play nicely, share and all of the thousands of other things as his Mom I am expected to teach him, why is it that I am not capable of teaching him to find x, or what biology is. Why can I NOT teach him nouns and pronouns.

He is 13 and in 8th grade. He can tell you all 50 states, capitals, multiply, divide, he is beginning to find x, he is also able to name 25 different varieties of plant life, tell you the five senses, name all the planets, tell you what the different stars are. Classify animals correctly and many other things. He can diagram sentences, tell you all the parts of speech (including gerunds) and is learning sign language and French. Is he perfect in all of theses skills - NO HE IS NOT, but is the child that is in the public school or private school system?

Every week we attend a homeschool co op where he plays with other kids, interacts with other adults and gets much socialization. He has friends, we go out in public and he does well with adults and kids alike.

This move would be a nightmare if he were in school. How would I be able to take him out for house hunting or to do the actual move. With homeschooling he just switches living rooms, not schoolrooms.

There are days that we don't get much done (like now while I have a cold and feel crappy) but there are days we get everything done for the week on Monday and Tuesday and we go to Greenfield Village or to the park or the cider mill. WE go to play!

I get the privilege of watching him learn. I see hid face when something he has been struggling with clicks and it makes sense. If he were in school his teacher would see that - not me. Don't get me wrong - I know there are many people who are not up for the challenge of homeschooling. it is a challenge - it is VERY hard work.

For those who don't think I should be doing this - please understand that I disagree with you and the beauty of this country is that I have that right. I am his Mom and his Dad and I have decided to do this. We did NOT choose it, but have made the decision that since the public school system had him for three days and couldn't keep him safe from a predator it was my job to do it. I have taken on that challenge.

To all my other Homeschooling Mom friends - Good Luck this year! Enjoy your kids. Be brave when it is challenging and know that you are doing what your kids need. For my friends who have their kids in school, pray for them, love them and spend as much time as you can with them. Remember they are only this age for today. Tomorrow will be completely different.<

Why are we going - you ask?

Many people have asked us why we are moving to Florida. Well, there are many reasons. I will tell you some of them in today's Blog. These are not necessarily in order.

1. Michigan economy still stinks. Our government officials are telling everyone that Michigan is on it's way back. The problem is that they are saying it but the people who are supposed to be feeling this new found revitalization know nothing about it. We still can barely pay bills, can barely afford to buy food for our families and are still just above poverty level. Our officials are all getting raises while most of the people I know have had to take pay cuts. even if it isn't better there at least it is a new lie!

2. The Doctor's have basically said I would have a hard time surviving another winter like last year. My heart and lngs can't handle it. I will be locked in the house during cold and flu season and if I do go out I will have to wear a mask. I am not looking forward to that. The Doctor's have said that Florida is a good fit. Cleaner air, warmer climate, OK, I can handle that. They said Florida or Arizona but I don't care if it is dry heat or not 112 is hot! People have said what about the heat in the summer - have you ever heard of air conditioning? I stay inside for months through the winter here, I can still go from air conditioned house to air conditioned car to air conditioned store and back with no snow, no ice to clear from the car and no slush to try and push a cart through.

3. I need a change. I loved California and would go back there if I thought it would be a good fit. When Jim and I talked about this we asked God to guide us in where we should be. Ever since we have been going on vacation I cry through Tennessee because I want to live there. I love the mountains and the beauty of the world. It is peaceful and gentle. I love Florida too. I am always sad when we are leaving to come home. (I don't like Georgia because it feels like you will never get through it - LOL!) Jim started checking on job opportunities and cost of living stuff and we really feel like this is a good fit for us.

4. I always said I would never live in Florida because it is TOO HOT! That was before I lost over 100 pounds. Now I get cold. Last winter was absolutely unbelievable. I have never been so cold in my life. Now they say it is going to be that way again this year????? I am out of here!

I hope that helps answer some of the questions. It isn't all of the reasons but it is the top reasons. Things are chaotic here while we are packing up. We are having a huge moving sale the last weekend in September and I am having surgery on the 29th. I am trying to get as much packed up before then. It is just Mom and I for the most part. Jim helps on weekends but his time is limited. For those of you who have ever been here, my Mom has collected ALOT of stuff in 36 years of living here. Sometimes it overwhelming. I am looking forward to sitting on my lanai and drinking a large glass of iced tea, reading a book or doing school with Stephen in the sunshine that keeps me going.

With all of that said, if you like or need collectibles, tools, plus size clothing, furniture, books, curriculum for homeschooling or any number of other things and live near Redford, MI plan on coming to the moving sale. If not, prayers would be appreciated as we move forward on this journey with a surgery stuck in the middle.

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. Those are older pictures - taken after my biological father's funeral five years ago today. I am posting a couple of ones taken two years ago. I will keep updating until we get to current ones. I will also take some pictures of the chaos in the house right now.

Talk to you all in a few days.

OK, so I will admit I am not really very good at this whole Blogging thing. I get wrapped up in life and forget to do it. It isn't that I don't want to. It's not that I don't think it is important, it is quite simply - I forget! I have had people tell me that I should be vloging about our move and the whole process. It is a huge undertaking and many of our friends want to know what is happening and how we are doing with it. Here is why I am NOT vlogging about it. I am having the final surgery on my mouth on September 29. I am very self conscious about it right now so I don't feel comfortable doing it. I probably wont feel any differently about it until after the move so don't expect any new Vlogs any time soon. I will however keep everyone updated through a Blog and pictures. I will write in the next day or so more about why we are moving and even show some pictures of how bad the house looks right now with packing. We would be further along had we not had a flood during that bad storm a few weeks ago! Keep checking back and watch what happens as the Pinards go from Michiganders to Floridians.