Count Your Blessings

Last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I was listening to instrumental hymns, as has become my custom. I have found various YouTube compilations and have also downloaded some from iTunes and Grooveshark.

I am really beginning to think that this is God's way of talking to me because it happened again. I was trying to fight the feelings of despair that sometimes overwhelm me. This is a tough month for me because it is the anniversary of losing our son. We're still living in Michigan, in my Mom's house. It doesn't matter that we gave up our home to live with her so she could stay in her home, it is still HER house. It doesn't matter that we take care of it and do everything and pay most of the bills, it is still HER house, and so I find myself frustrated with not having a place to call home. I'm frustrated with feeling like I still need to ask permission (I am almost 50 years old). I'm frustrated that Jim works 60-70 hours a week but we still don't seem to be getting ahead. In fact, sometimes we feel like we are going backwards. I'm frustrated that I have yet another diagnosis of a chronic illness (Autoimmune Neutropenia) and I have spent another four months sick and confined because what might be a sniffle to someone else can become pneumonia to me.

While feeling all those frustrations a song began—Count Your Blessings. I started singing along in my head, and at first was angry. I couldn't count my blessings. There weren't any. How could I be thankful for anything right now. Then Jesus gently reminded me that I most definitely have blessings to count, starting with the man gently snoring beside me. He loves me and I know it. He is there for me and has stuck by me through the illnesses that have taken over our lives—Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Postpartum Cardiomyopathy, Fibromyalgia, and now this new one. Any one of these is life altering and I have all four. Yet he still loves me. He works hard at taking care of me. He makes sure Stephen gets to his guitar lessons and the his homeschool co-op. He takes Mom to get her hair done, does the grocery shopping, cooks when I can't and just simply shows me that he loves me by being there. He does all of it without complaining, even during the times I am being a brat and take my frustration out on him, even during the times when I forget to say thank you. Why shouldn't I be thankful for that. I actually had someone I thought was a friend tell his wife he was glad it was me and not her because he wouldn't do what Jim does. SERIOUSLY? This man says he is a Christian, I have to wonder if that would be God's attitude.

I have something else to be grateful for—my greatest gift from God. This blessing is 6' tall and all 13 year-old hormones!  He is attitudinal, sweet, strong, gentle, smart, humble, arrogant and loving all rolled up in one. I am sure I forgot some of his traits but you get the picture. He is all boy and as rough and tumble as they come unless he is dealing with me. With Mama, he is gentle and patient. He is tender and caring, just like a man should be, and strong, godly and loving. He wouldn't be most of these things if he hadn't had to learn them dealing with my illness. Don't get me wrong, he knows me as healthy as well. I am not always sick but over the past few years I have been. I fight for my health because of Stephen. Sometimes it has been a real fight and at times I'm ready to give up, but then I see by beautiful son and I have to wonder what he would be like without me. I want to live to see him grow and become the man God has designed him to be.

It is hard to live in the same house as my Mother. I feel like she has never welcomed us in her home even though we gave up ours for her. We do the cooking, cleaning, yard work, laundry, any maintenance or upkeep. We take her wherever she needs (or wants) to go. Every month, we make the trek to her doctor to pick up her prescription and then drive 20 miles the other way to the only drug store we can find that carries it.  Because it is a narcotic, we must do everything in person. I don't resent it and will continue to do it because I don't want her in pain and while it doesn't stop all the pain, it helps some. Many things she says and does are hurtful to me but I realize it is because of the constant pain she is in and has been in for 20+ years. I can't always blame her. Can I consider all of this a blessing, especially when my own poor health makes it harder?

Yes, it is a blessing. Why? She is still here with us. When my step Dad died 5 years ago, my heart broke. Then 9 months later, my biological father died. My Mom is the only parent I have left and frankly I am grateful that I still have her. She is a blessing. I can't imagine what I will feel when she is gone, so for today I am going to cherish her still being with us. Will it always be easy? No! Does it hurt when she is not nice, or biting. Yes. Will I sometimes want time away? Of course I will. She is still my Mom and I will take care of her. God has allowed her to still be with us and I will do what I can to make that time better for her. She is moving to Florida with us and I am glad for that. I look forward to her being close and I am praying that the weather there will help her pain the way the doctors think it will. I want her with us, and with us without pain.

As for living with her—I have a roof over my head. We have a place to sleep. We are not homeless!  That in and of itself is something to be thankful for. I am sure there are many people out there right now that would appreciate a place to sleep every night. Enough said?

I still have health issues but without them, would I have had the time or the impetus to find my way back to God? I have wandered in a wilderness of my own making for many years. I have been angry with God for many things but for the past two years I have mostly had to be kind of quiet. I haven't been able to do very many things. Theater has not been an option because it is stressful and full of people and their germs. I can't even go to church because of the crowds. (Neutropenia compromises the ability to fight germs). These things were my life and now they are gone. I can't go to stores, go to friends' houses, parties, nothing! In two years I can count on one had how many times my friends have come to see me. That hurts, but it is my reality. I could choose to be bitter but I am choosing not to be. I can't say it isn't painful but I have realized that my "friends" have forsaken me but my best friends are Jim and most importantly Jesus, who have not left me. I am grateful and I have been able to put what is important first.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

I have definitely felt tossed recently and I have thought all was lost, but if I stop and count my blessings, I was surprised at what I do have.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

I have felt like the burden is too heavy. 

Why God? Why, do I have to be sick? Why does Mom have to be sick? Why, did my baby have to die? Why did we have to give up our home? Then I realized that although my cross did seem heavy, the greatest blessing I have is the ability to lay these burdens at the foot of the cross and leave them there. I think that is a pretty wonderful blessing.


When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

Jim and I may not be rich. We may never have incredible wealth, but I know that I have Jim, Stephen and a relationship with God, and for me that is enough. The other stuff is nice but I am learning to be happy with my needs being met first. Sometimes my health creates needs that seem like "extravagances" and I feel guilty.  It's OK—I am still learning.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

I am on a new journey. I have finally found the path back to where I need to be. It has been along time wandering in darkness but I have finally begun to step onto God's path. I know Angels are watching out for me because the doctors said I wouldn't survive another winter in Michigan. Guess what? Spring is here and I am alive. It has been hard and I still am not breathing well but I am breathing better. I have only had 1 breathing treatment in three days instead of two or three a day. I have friends who are into homeopathic medicines that are researching and helping find things for me. They have even come to see us. Jim, Stephen, and I are beginning a new project and venture that will be fun for everyone.  Stay tuned!

Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

I am not trying to give anyone advice here. I am very opinionated ask anyone who knows me is aware, but I can't tell you how to live your life. I will say though that if you are feeling discouraged and if you are feeling overwhelmed by life follow the advice of this tried and true hymn. Take some time to count your blessings and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Blessings.

If God Seems Far Away

WHO MOVED?

OK, so which one of my Temple Christian High School friends remembers that statement? I remember hearing that so often it became seared into my brain. What I am realizing as I get older (I refuse to admit that I am yet old) is that just because I can say something, or can remember being taught something, doesn't mean that I believe it or understand it.

For the past few years, I have felt like even though I knew God loved me and I loved Him, He felt very unreachable. I knew all the catch phrases and I knew in m head what I needed to do, but sometimes head knowledge doesn't work.

I could hear the question, "If God seems far away, who moved?" over and over in my head.  Somehow I think I even knew I was the one who pulled away but I didn't know how to stop it.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't doing anything really BAD:  I wasn't doing drugs, getting drunk, cheating on Jim, or abusing Stephen. Those who know me know that none of those describes me but especially not this time. I felt a loneliness in my heart that Jim, Stephen, friends, family, no one could fill. I think I even knew who needed to fill the void but I had no idea how to find Him again.

What I realized is this:  just because I knew I was the one who moved away from God and walked away from the relationship I had with Him doesn't mean I knew how to find my way back. I spent a long time wandering through a "wilderness" of my own making. I was angry and frustrated. I could still pray but I felt like I wasn't getting any answers. It was like my prayers hit the ceiling and went no further.  

How did I find Him again? Where was He? Where did He go? Why wouldn't He answer me? Why wasn't He listening? Doesn't He care? Why was He letting me get hurt? People who I though were my friends were turning on me—why did He let that happen? My baby died—why did He let that happen? I am sick—why won't He heal me? I have been sick for almost 2 years—why is He letting this happen? I can't take this anymore—where are you God?

This has been my life for many years. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying, because to me it wasn't doing any good anyway. Prayer at meals was just a ritual. My heart was totally not in it. I stopped going to church—stopped caring. I can honestly say I never stopped believing in God. I just stopped believing God cared about me.

Last April, Jim and I decided we were going to move. We needed to leave Michigan and try to begin again. We prayed (I know, I stopped praying, right) and I made a decision that I was going to do what I knew in my head was right. I was going to walk in faith that God was going to help us start a new life. My health had gotten so bad that the Doctors had said I might not survive another Michigan winter (I almost didn't, by the way, but more on that later). Jim has been working 20 hour days and we are still just barely making it. Mom needs to get away from the cold weather and so we prayed.  Florida is where we decided to go. We felt that God was directing this because it was where jobs were for Jim. It was a climate that was better for Mom and the Doctors had told me that it would be a good place for me.  

This is where things began to change for me. I knew I needed to walk in faith believing that God would provide. We began packing things up, things we didn't need.  We had a huge garage sale (EVERYTHING SOLD!). Jim began applying for jobs. Jim and I began praying together everyday. Nothing happened but I still was determined to do what my head knew to do.

Then the house fell apart. The pipe under the bathtub in the main bathroom burst right before Christmas. I got extremely sick again. Winter arrived. This is when the questions began again. Seriously, GOD? Why? Where are you? Why won't you help us? Why do you hate me? Why don't you care what happens to me? Why are you there for everyone else but not for me?

Then I kept hearing a verse, over and over again. Sometimes it was in a song on the radio, or on a TV show, or I would read it in a book. Sometimes it was directly related to something Christian and other times it was totally secular. The verse?

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM HERE

A simple phrase that speaks so loudly! I decided I needed to stop trying so hard and just simply rest in Him. To rest in His promises. I decided to do something I haven't done since high school and I decided to read the Bible through. I have done this a few times in the past but always because I was "supposed" to, not because I wanted.  

I am through Exodus and I figured out that if God can lead 650,000+ complaining people out of bondage and through a desert for 40 years, feeding them and leading them, He is probably big enough to get me to Florida and to restore my health, if that is that is supposed to happen.

Everyday I read and I find things I didn't know. I am realizing that while I heard many things in school about God and many of them stuck and have carried me through my life, I have a long way to go before I have heard it all.  

I have managed to fight my way through the thick underbrush of the forest of darkness and desperation I have been wandering in and am beginning to see some light. My heart is not hurting and I don't feel the sense of desperation that I was feeling. I can't say the depression and anxiety is completely gone yet but I can breathe in the knowledge that God is again walking nearby. I can't say that I totally feel Him next to me or carrying me but He is close, and for right now, that is a good feeling.

I remind myself daily that I just need to be still and know that God is near and the wait is a little easier. I have had to do that quite a bit as I struggle with pneumonia again, and a new diagnosis, that is discouraging. The good news is that while it is ANOTHER chronic illness, it is controllable and can get better. 

I am grateful for the knowledge that was given to me growing up. I appreciate all that I learned in my Christian school and church. I thank God for the teachers that taught me phrases like, "If God seems far away—who moved? If it weren't for them and that phrase, I would not have been able to survive the darkness and begin to find my way back to the light. My journey is long and has really just begun, but I know that I am strong because Jesus will be holding my hand.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

I Don't Hate Writing! I HATE ...

GRAMMAR.

So—anyone who knows me knows that I am not really a rules person. I have rules in my house for safety reasons (i.e. don't play in traffic, don't play with the stove) and for moral reasons (i.e. no swearing, be careful what you watch on TV or in the movies). My son is a night owl just like Jim and me, and will be up late at night and sleep in in the morning. We do school around his sleeping. I very rarely wake him up and if I do it is usually because of someone else's schedule.

Even with my theater kids, I only had a few hard & fast rules. (If you guys are reading this, what is the first one?—"If you can see the audience, the audience can see you.") Some of the others again are for safety reasons depending on the environment—whether we are in a rehearsal space or at the theater itself, during a show tech week.

I guess what I am trying to explain (not very well) is that rules have a place in life and when they are necessary I understand and work within them.  BUT...

Let's face it, English grammar has TOO MANY RULES!

When I was in high school (sorry Miss Kelso and Mrs. Smith) I hated writing.  I had to remember the commas, the periods, the semi-colons, colons, paragraphs, indentations, capitalization, etc. The rules never seemed to end. Did I learn them? Yep, I did. Do I as a homeschool teacher work towards helping Stephen learn them? Yep, we do. Do I still hate having to remember them? YES!

When I'm writing a letter, a story, or this blog, my brain goes so fast that having to put commas and periods and the rest of the punctuation stuff in is a problem. By the time I remember what is supposed to go there and I get it all in I have lost my train of thought. My brain is going so fast that my fingers are already having trouble keeping up. I have so many typos (sorry Mrs. Fowler) that I have to go back and fix all of those. I can proofread. I have had to proofread papers written by a girl who is hearing impaired. Her first language is Hindi, her second language is American Sign Language, and her third language is English. Just reading the first paragraph of her papers gave Jim nightmares. I was able to do it, though. I can proofread other people's stuff but I can't my own. My brain automatically sees what is supposed to be there. Not what is really there. (Anyone else have this problem?)

So, at the top of this page, it says that sometimes Jim will be writing stuff (probably not) but he is helping to keep this going. Here is how.

I write this stuff just as my brain says it:  typos, incomplete punctuation, grammatical errors and all. Then I send it to Jim who edits it and fixes all of the stuff I know is wrong but hate to fix. Then we post it. God put us together to be a team, right?

I am thinking I have to be careful about Stephen reading this because then he will have ammunition against me because I don't use punctuation when I write, yet I have to explain it to him. The difference is I know how but choose not to. He is still learning how! There is a difference, right?

So, to wrap this up, here are some things you have learned about me today:

I don't like rules just for the sake of having rules. I think it is silly.
I don't mind writing as long as it is not slowed down by a bunch of rules.
I will teach my kid how to do the stuff and then it is his choice what to do with the knowledge.
God put Jim and I together to be partners in life—and in grammar!

Hope you all have a wonderful day! 

I Surrender All

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!


I went to a Baptist School while I was growing up. I went to church regularly (usually 3-4 times a week)—add chapel once a week and Bible class everyday. I knew all the words I was supposed to say. I can talk "Bible" with anyone. I have sent Jehovah Witnesses running from my door and they stopped coming back. Not because I was mean to them but because I had been taught to argue what I "believe."

Here is the problem. Was I taught, in all of that, what I believe or was I just spouting back what I was taught? I am in that battle with myself spiritually right now.

Many of you know that I have been struggling with some pretty severe health issues—health issues that can cause me to lose my life. I don't normally list them off but for today I will. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), Postpartem Cardiomyopathy or PPCM (fancy words for Congestive heart failure), Fibromyalgia, and now they believe that I have Autoimmune Neutropenia (my body is attacking itself) which means I have no resistance to germs. Currently, I have Pneumonia, again.

Why am I telling you all of this? What does it have to do with you? It probably doesn't and I had no intention of blogging any of this but for some reason I really feel like God is asking me to share this today. That leads me to believe someone needs to hear it.

Last night, as I lay in bed, struggling to breathe and not able to fall asleep, I put my ear buds in and turned on some instrumental hymn music. I like hymns because even though it is instrumental, I find it interesting that I can still sing all the words in my head. Attending churches where we sing praise choruses instead of hymns made me think I would have forgotten them but I haven't. Last night was interesting, though. As I lay there, I was just beginning to doze off when I found myself singing (in my head) with one of the songs. At first I was beginning to get irritated because I had almost been asleep. Then I realized what the song was I was singing—I Surrender All. I had pretty much forgotten that song. We usually only sang it at the end of services when the alter call was given. It wasn't sung that much, so why can I still sing every word of every verse?

All To Jesus I Surrender; All to Him I freely give. I realized last night, I don't just have to give Him the good stuff. I can give Him the health issues, too. I don't have to feel bad that I am coming to Him, broken in body and in spirit. He understands.

I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily live. I know that I love Him and I know that He loves me, but when you are in poor health and are not able to do the things you want to do, you feel less that complete. I hate that my husband has to do things for me. It makes me crazy that I can't do all that I want with Stephen. Jesus doesn't care what I can or can't do right now. He knows where I am and I can stay in His presence and He doesn't measure me based on that.

All To Jesus, I surrender. Humbly at His feet I bow. Worldly pleasures all forsake, Take me Jesus take me now. All of you know, I LOVE doing theater - I can't do it now. I love shopping—can't go to the stores. I love being with people but I can't go out and no one really comes here. I love crafting but most of it is packed up to move and I can't get to it. This has given me a lot of time to think, to pray, to read scripture and journal—basically, to get to know Jesus, where I am, not where I was taught to be.

All to Jesus I Surrender, Make me Savior Wholly Thine. Let me feel thy Holy Spirit, Truly know that Thou are mine. My prayer today and for the future is this: "Lord, make me yours and help me to know that not only am I yours but that You are MY God, not just the God of my Bible teachers and preachers and youth pastors, but you are also My God. I can love you and know that you love me. It is a sweet place to rest. Especially when I hurt and can't breathe and am frightened.

All to Jesus, I surrender; Lord, I give myself to Thee; Fill me with Thy love and power; Let Thy blessing fall on me. Jesus knows I am broken. He knows that spiritually, physically and sometimes emotionally I am not complete. I am not perfect. He still loves me and if I trust Him, He will fill me with His love and power, and with that, no matter how broken I am, I can't lose. That is all I need to wake up in the morning.

All to Jesus I surrender; Now I feel the sacred flame. O the joy of full salvation! Glory, glory, to His Name! What else is there?

I know that I am not perfect and that I have a long way to go to fully comprehend God's love, mercy, power, faithfulness, righteousness, and so many other things. The one thing I am learning to understand is His love. He is carrying me through this.

I can do more than thank Him and often that doesn't feel like enough. All He requires is my love and my willingness to serve Him. Does it mean that tomorrow I will be healed? Probably not. It would be great, and I would take it, but I think right now, I am where I am so that I can learn to rest in His grace. While it is scary to not be able to breathe, to not sleep, to hurt all the time, I have to rest in His mercy because there is nothing else I can do.

We Are Not Promised Tomorrow

Don't Take Them For Granted

Yesterday morning we learned that a friend's 14 year old son had passed away. While I know that he is in a better place, removed from the pain and hurt of childhood cancer, I can't help but wonder why things have to be this way.

Why do children, any age, have to die?

Why do storms have to destroy lives and property?

Why do people, even Christians, suffer?

Why do people (like my Mom, other friends, other family and even myself) have to live with chronic pain?

Why do babies (like my Cameron and the others I miscarried) never get to draw a breath?

Why do wars happen?

Why is there so much poverty?

Why are children abused by the very people who are supposed to love and protect them?

I could keep going with these questions, as I am sure could you, BUT...

I woke up to those questions, but as I was reading my Bible and doing my devotional I was reminded of something ...

I can question and wonder. I can get angry or upset and I think God understands when I feel this way, BUT—I am not God. God says to Job, 'Where were you when I created the earth and everything else' (paraphrasing)? What makes you think you can question me and how I run things. I know that it is a very loose translation but I think you know what I mean. 

I do not know that I will ever know the answers to the questions until I get to Heaven and then I don't know that the questions will even matter. Will I care why my baby didn't draw a breath or will it be more important to hug and hold him instead? Will I care why people suffer or will it just be more important to see them and hug them and be happy we get to spend eternity together. Will it matter that the last few days of Dad's life were filled with pain and suffering or will it be more important to just see him again. Setting all of those aside will I really want to spend my time with Jesus questioning His creation or will it be more important to spend time at the feet of my Lord?

I know that there will be many sad days in my life but there will be happy ones too. It is times like this where I am sad that I remember that I am not promised tomorrow—I need to make sure that I cherish today.

I know that my friends would love to hold their son again, and someday they will be able to but for today, I know that I am blessed because I can hug Stephen. I can tell him I love him and for that I am truly grateful. I can see my husband and hold him and feel him hold me and for that I am grateful. 


Thank you Lord, for another day with the ones I love. Please help me never forget the gift that they are.

My Redeemer Lives

Sometimes when we are waiting for God to do what we want Him to do, it is hard to believe that Our Redeemer lives. This morning as I was reading my Bible reading doing my devotions, I read that I know my Redeemer lives! This song came into my head and I haven't been able to get it out of my head and my heart.

I have been frustrated because I have had to live through another Michigan winter. The Doctors said I wouldn't survive another one - I did MY REDEEMER LIVES.

I have been discouraged because Jim hasn't found a job in Florida and the one that looked so promising - doesn't look so promising now. BUT - he has had some work here so we are not starving - MY REDEEMER LIVES.

I have been sick, pneumonia, stomach flu (all of us had this one), pneumonia again. I have not died and spring is on it's way - MY REDEEMER LIVES.

I could keep going but I think I made my point.

I can't tell you that my heart is completely sold out and that I won't fall back into fear and worry but it is nice - FOR TODAY - not to be afraid. Not to worry and to KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW that MY REDEEMER LIVES!

Lord, please keep us safe and help us always to know - you are no longer on that cross, no longer in the grave but that you LIVE and that we can hide in your arms.

Amen