Where Was I...

I used to hear people say they knew exactly where they were and what they were doing when Kennedy was shot. They knew where they were or what they were doing when Reagan was shot. They could tell you what was happening in their lives at a specific moment in time.

I didn't really understand that before that day. I wasn't alive when Kennedy was shot. I was in high school when Reagan was shot. I called my Mom from the pay phone in the hallway near the front doors of the building to make sure the rumor was true. I didn't think it was that big a deal, not that he was shot, but that I remembered it. I don't know what I felt. I don't know what I thought other than I was happy Reagan didn't die. Who cared where I was at the time? Why was it so important to remember something like that?

Then that day happened. That horrible, nightmarish, unbelievable, mind-blowing day - September 11, 2001. On July 17th of that year my life had forever changed. I had a beautiful baby boy. I almost died giving him life, and was still recovering. Jim had finally been able to go back to work but I had to stay at my Mom's because I still couldn't be alone. I was close to going home but not quite there yet. I woke up that morning and was feeding Stephen. I was sitting in the den at my Mom's house. I was on the couch, on the end nearest the door. I was sitting with my feet up on the couch, feeding, snuggling and playing with my beautiful boy. I was talking to Stephen, telling him that Daddy (Jim) was traveling that day and would be home later that night. Stephen had no idea what I was saying, or that Daddy was not home, I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be alright for an entire day with Jim being so far away. (It is amazing what almost dying will make you wonder about.) Stephen just smiled at me.

Then the world changed, FOREVER! My Mom came to the door and told me that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center Towers. She told me they thought it was an accident. I picked up my baby boy and went into the family room where they (she and my Dad) were watching it on TV. As I walked around the corner and looked at the TV, the second plane slammed into the 2nd tower. I fell onto the couch, holding my baby as close as I could get him. I was shaking and crying. He began to cry and I realized I was holding him too tight. He was uncomfortable. My mind was swimming in a whirlpool of questions.

WHERE WAS JIM?

WAS HE SAFE?

WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?

WERE WE SAFE HERE IN THE HOUSE?

WHO WOULD DO THIS?

WERE WE AT WAR?

WAS THIS LIKE PEARL HARBOR?

WHERE WAS JIM?

WAS HE SAFE?

WHAT WOULD WE DO IF HE WASN'T?

HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THIS.

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING?

WHERE WAS JiM?

WAS HE SAFE?

HOW COULD I KEEP MY BABY SAFE?

WHAT KIND OF WORLD DID I BRING HIM INTO?

WHERE WAS JIM???

It was over three hours before I was able to talk to Jim. I held Stephen the entire time. I wouldn't let my Mom hold him. I wouldn't let me Dad hold him. I wouldn't put him down. I remember having an overwhelming fear at the thought of having to raise him alone in a world that had gone crazy. Then Jim called and in hearing his voice, I began to quiet. When Jim finally got home that night and he held us, I felt safe again and I knew that, at least for the moment, my baby and I were safe. My family, my baby nor I were in the Towers, the Pentagon nor on the plane in Pennsylvania. We were safe at home. We were lucky.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember the feelings, the emotions, the tears, the terror, the helplessness and the protectiveness that I felt for those I loved.

I remember too, the days that followed, when I realized that Stephen's safety and happiness were not solely my responsibility. I was entrusted with this beautiful little man by God and it was my job to raise him to be the man God wants him to be. I can't do that living in fear. I had already overcome many things and put aside many fears. I had to choose to not let these maniacs in planes control my son's future. They were crazy and I had to decide to not let them rule my life.

Today, I have a happy, healthy, strong-willed, determined, well-adjusted, smart opinionated young man. We waited until the 10th anniversary of 9/11 to even talk to him about it. It was a hard conversation. Jim and I did it together. His response was detest (I am not sure that word is strong enough) for Bin Laden. I am actually glad that the military had already gotten him or I think Stephen would have gone himself. We watched a documentary on the attacks and we cried. Mama and Daddy held him, loved him and let him know he was safe. We would do whatever we could to protect him. Then we prayed and put him again in God's hands.

We survived that day. I will never forget where I was, what I was doing or how I felt. I pray that I never do, because if we forget the murderers win. That can't happen!

We don't let that day rule our lives though. We have decided to trust God to keep us safe. I will not live in fear because if I do then the terrorists win. Terrorists cannot have the opportunity to make me live in fear. I am strong, my son is strong, my husband is strong and my God is STRONGER!

9/11 - May We Never Forget!

Sometimes I wonder ... WHAT AM I DOING??? When we began homeschooling it was not on purpose. I did not always plan it. I did not always want to do it. In fact, just the opposite. I looked forward to going to the store by myself. I looked forward to being able to clean the entire house without one room being messed up again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be home alone - by myself - with a book - and a cup of tea - in the quiet - without anyone asking questions. Here is what I didn't know - even if the incident on school day 3 had not happened - I think I would still be a home school parent. Why you ask. Because I think it is important for him. We have our days where I would love to be able to send him to school and have someone else deal with it. Have someone else deal with his lack of interest in Cursive or Predicates. Try to get him to understand why he needs to find the value of x (I still am not sure why I do it). I definitely don't want to teach him to dissect a frog or anything else. It would be easier to let someone else do this, BUT, no one ever said being a parent was easy.

I know that I will have people disagree with me on this. I know there are many people in my life that feel we should put him in school. I guess that is a down side of having friends who are school teachers - BUT - why is it that I am competent enough to teach him to walk, talk, have good manners, how to eat with silverware, how to dress himself, take showers, be responsible, interact with others, play nicely, share and all of the thousands of other things as his Mom I am expected to teach him, why is it that I am not capable of teaching him to find x, or what biology is. Why can I NOT teach him nouns and pronouns.

He is 13 and in 8th grade. He can tell you all 50 states, capitals, multiply, divide, he is beginning to find x, he is also able to name 25 different varieties of plant life, tell you the five senses, name all the planets, tell you what the different stars are. Classify animals correctly and many other things. He can diagram sentences, tell you all the parts of speech (including gerunds) and is learning sign language and French. Is he perfect in all of theses skills - NO HE IS NOT, but is the child that is in the public school or private school system?

Every week we attend a homeschool co op where he plays with other kids, interacts with other adults and gets much socialization. He has friends, we go out in public and he does well with adults and kids alike.

This move would be a nightmare if he were in school. How would I be able to take him out for house hunting or to do the actual move. With homeschooling he just switches living rooms, not schoolrooms.

There are days that we don't get much done (like now while I have a cold and feel crappy) but there are days we get everything done for the week on Monday and Tuesday and we go to Greenfield Village or to the park or the cider mill. WE go to play!

I get the privilege of watching him learn. I see hid face when something he has been struggling with clicks and it makes sense. If he were in school his teacher would see that - not me. Don't get me wrong - I know there are many people who are not up for the challenge of homeschooling. it is a challenge - it is VERY hard work.

For those who don't think I should be doing this - please understand that I disagree with you and the beauty of this country is that I have that right. I am his Mom and his Dad and I have decided to do this. We did NOT choose it, but have made the decision that since the public school system had him for three days and couldn't keep him safe from a predator it was my job to do it. I have taken on that challenge.

To all my other Homeschooling Mom friends - Good Luck this year! Enjoy your kids. Be brave when it is challenging and know that you are doing what your kids need. For my friends who have their kids in school, pray for them, love them and spend as much time as you can with them. Remember they are only this age for today. Tomorrow will be completely different.<

Why are we going - you ask?

Many people have asked us why we are moving to Florida. Well, there are many reasons. I will tell you some of them in today's Blog. These are not necessarily in order.

1. Michigan economy still stinks. Our government officials are telling everyone that Michigan is on it's way back. The problem is that they are saying it but the people who are supposed to be feeling this new found revitalization know nothing about it. We still can barely pay bills, can barely afford to buy food for our families and are still just above poverty level. Our officials are all getting raises while most of the people I know have had to take pay cuts. even if it isn't better there at least it is a new lie!

2. The Doctor's have basically said I would have a hard time surviving another winter like last year. My heart and lngs can't handle it. I will be locked in the house during cold and flu season and if I do go out I will have to wear a mask. I am not looking forward to that. The Doctor's have said that Florida is a good fit. Cleaner air, warmer climate, OK, I can handle that. They said Florida or Arizona but I don't care if it is dry heat or not 112 is hot! People have said what about the heat in the summer - have you ever heard of air conditioning? I stay inside for months through the winter here, I can still go from air conditioned house to air conditioned car to air conditioned store and back with no snow, no ice to clear from the car and no slush to try and push a cart through.

3. I need a change. I loved California and would go back there if I thought it would be a good fit. When Jim and I talked about this we asked God to guide us in where we should be. Ever since we have been going on vacation I cry through Tennessee because I want to live there. I love the mountains and the beauty of the world. It is peaceful and gentle. I love Florida too. I am always sad when we are leaving to come home. (I don't like Georgia because it feels like you will never get through it - LOL!) Jim started checking on job opportunities and cost of living stuff and we really feel like this is a good fit for us.

4. I always said I would never live in Florida because it is TOO HOT! That was before I lost over 100 pounds. Now I get cold. Last winter was absolutely unbelievable. I have never been so cold in my life. Now they say it is going to be that way again this year????? I am out of here!

I hope that helps answer some of the questions. It isn't all of the reasons but it is the top reasons. Things are chaotic here while we are packing up. We are having a huge moving sale the last weekend in September and I am having surgery on the 29th. I am trying to get as much packed up before then. It is just Mom and I for the most part. Jim helps on weekends but his time is limited. For those of you who have ever been here, my Mom has collected ALOT of stuff in 36 years of living here. Sometimes it overwhelming. I am looking forward to sitting on my lanai and drinking a large glass of iced tea, reading a book or doing school with Stephen in the sunshine that keeps me going.

With all of that said, if you like or need collectibles, tools, plus size clothing, furniture, books, curriculum for homeschooling or any number of other things and live near Redford, MI plan on coming to the moving sale. If not, prayers would be appreciated as we move forward on this journey with a surgery stuck in the middle.

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. Those are older pictures - taken after my biological father's funeral five years ago today. I am posting a couple of ones taken two years ago. I will keep updating until we get to current ones. I will also take some pictures of the chaos in the house right now.

Talk to you all in a few days.

OK, so I will admit I am not really very good at this whole Blogging thing. I get wrapped up in life and forget to do it. It isn't that I don't want to. It's not that I don't think it is important, it is quite simply - I forget! I have had people tell me that I should be vloging about our move and the whole process. It is a huge undertaking and many of our friends want to know what is happening and how we are doing with it. Here is why I am NOT vlogging about it. I am having the final surgery on my mouth on September 29. I am very self conscious about it right now so I don't feel comfortable doing it. I probably wont feel any differently about it until after the move so don't expect any new Vlogs any time soon. I will however keep everyone updated through a Blog and pictures. I will write in the next day or so more about why we are moving and even show some pictures of how bad the house looks right now with packing. We would be further along had we not had a flood during that bad storm a few weeks ago! Keep checking back and watch what happens as the Pinards go from Michiganders to Floridians.

OK God I get it!

The past few days Stephen, Mom and I went to see my cousin in Grand Rapids. I actually needed to go to the Home school bookstore to pick up tests that go with our curriculum that we use for Stephen. Somehow in the midst of the move I have the answer keys but have lost the actual tests. Judy (my cousin) lives a few miles from the store so it is always a trip we look forward to because we get to see "JuJu" at the same time.

JuJu is actually my Mom's cousin but she and I have always been close and now she is Stephen's second Grandma. He doesn't quite understand that not everyone has a JuJu and frankly he thinks they all should. He looks forward to going to her house whenever we can.

This time, with Mom going with us we decided to stay in a hotel. We were going on Thursday evening and were supposed to come back on Saturday afternoon. Apparently God had other plans because with the ice storm we decided to stay an extra night rather than make the three hour drive on a skating rink. Jim came over on Friday night (driving in the ice) to spend time with Stephen and I. Jim and I have both committed to each other and to Stephen to put more time into loving our son instead of just taking care of physical needs. That means playing with him and laughing with him. That also means going swimming with him, even in February.

The hotel we were staying at had an indoor pool. We had switched hotels for the extra night for many reasons but the new hotel seemed quite a bit nicer. On Saturday afternoon the boys went swimming and I took Mom to Judy's. We were going to meet up again for dinner and then all of us would go back to swim some more. That is what we did. After dinner Mom, Jim, Stephen and I went back to the hotel. Jim and Stephen went to the pool and I helped Mom get ready for bed, then I went to the pool. When I went in Jim looked cold in the water so I was hesitant about jumping in. Finally I dove into the water. BIG MISTAKE!!!! The water was so cold that it took my breath away. (As many of you know, when I had Stephen I developed a heart condition called Post Partem Cardiomyopathy which is a form of congestive heart failure. Usually it isn't a problem but I have a major problem with regulating my body temperature. I can get too hot or too cold very easily and very quickly.) When I came up out of the water I couldn't breath and my heart was racing. My left arm was numb and I had shooting pain into my jaw. I had felt this before and I knew my heart was in trouble. Unfortunately I was in 9 feet of water in the middle of the pool. Jim knew immediately I was in trouble and came swimming fast. He helped me to the side and out of the pool. I sat quietly for a while and got warmed up. My heart began to slow down and I began to get feeling into my arm again. The pain subsided and I knew I had just missed a bad heart attack.

I asked myself that night as I was laying in bed why God would let this happen again. With losing weight and getting healthier I have not had a problem with Chronic Fatigue, Bronchitis, Pneumonia or any of the other illnesses I have struggled with for so many years. I prayed and said Lord why don't you heal my heart now. I want to play with my son, I want to be healthy for Jim, I want to be active and able to do all the things I want to do. I think I know the answer now.

Before the incident in the pool, Jim and I had planned on swimming with Stephen for a while and then taking him back to the room with Grandma so we could go back to the hot tub together. That sounded good but what happened instead was much sweeter and more rewarding. Obviously I wasn't interested in getting overheated or overstimulated so after we got Stephen settled in the room we went to the lobby to just sit and talk. Grandma and Stephen were sleeping and we didn't want to disturb them. WE sat together and talked about our relationship with each other, Stephen and God for about two hours. It was a good time or connecting and loving each other that would not have happened in the hot tub. I realized later that if I am wonder woman (as many people think I am) than I would not be made to slow down on occasion and experience the quiet times. I get so wrapped up in doing theater and home schooling and taking care of Mom and etc, etc, etc that I forget to spend quiet times connecting with the people I am spending so much time doing for. I would have missed the two hours with my husband that have been special to me. It also provided Jim the opportunity to show me how much he does care because he didn't leave early and drive back for a rehearsal, instead he stayed there with us today so he could drive home with me and make sure I arrived safely. That meant a lot because it showed me I was important. We all need to feel important sometimes.

We often ask God why He doesn't fix things that to us seem like they are broken. I am beginning to realize that what is broken to me is not necessarily broken to God. As I begin now the recovery process from this (and it does take time of quiet healing and rest) I can remember that God is in control, I am still alive, I spent quality time with my husband and I made it home safely. What else is important?

By the way WE LOVE YOU JUJU!!!!!

Would I let go of the wheel?

Tonight I watched the movie Courageous and it made me ask myself the question "Would I let go of the wheel?"

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, in the beginning scene a man risks his life when his truck is stolen from a gas station. HE jumps onto the running board of the truck and fights off the thief. He almost falls more than once until finally the truck runs off the road. He wasn't trying to just save the truck but I won't give anymore of it away than that but later the police officers who had responded to the call asked themselves would they have done the same thing. Would they have let go of the wheel? Would they have allowed the thief to steal something precious to them?

As I watch my beautiful son grow into a young man I am often tempted to think he doesn't need me now. He is making decisions for himself and for the most part actually does a pretty good job with the choices he makes. Like all boys he would much rather play video games or watch television than do his school work but when the importance of doing the work is pointed out to him he often chooses to do the right thing with a fairly good attitude. Sometimes he is a typical 10 year old and while he does what is asked of him it is not always with a good attitude. At those times God calls me to direct and be patient and teach him what is truly important. I have found myself losing patience and getting frustrated. Lately, especially since the move, I feel like I lose patience more than I should. I am beginning to realize that I feel as if I am judged by how he behaves. If he does his school work, is he getting enough school, would he be better off in the public school system, is he being allowed too much freedom, are you being too lenient, are you being too strict? All of these questions are not coming from me but from other people. At one time I didn't listen to them, I simply told people that he was my son and it was my choice and decision. I was the one who had to answer to God for who he was and how he behaved. I am realizing though that I have begun to lose sight of that belief.

Am I the Mom God has called me to be? Do I just do for him or am I doing things with him? Do I spend time with him or is it all about doing things around him?

As I watched the movie tonight I was struck with the realization that more and more I am doing around him. I do his laundry but rarely do I ask him to help me. I fix his food but it is easier to do it myself so I don't include him. I take him to our home school co op but don't always interact with him. I read to him at night but he is up in his bed (loft bed) while I am sitting in the chair on the floor. Is it enough? Will he grow up feeling like his Mama spent time with him or will he grow up wondering what was so important that I didn't have time for him?

I remember growing up my Mom worked full time (with much overtime) and my Dad owned his own business and both of them worked many hours outside the home. I basically grew up going to school and coming home waiting for them to get home from work. I don't remember spending alot of time with either of them. I knew in my head that they were working to provide for me but I also knew I would rather do with much less if I could only have them.

So it begs the questions, who does God call us to be as parents? I am asking myself that question now and I feel a pull in my heart and my spirit to find the answer. I think maybe I need to ask God but I also think I need to ask my son.

I know what I will be doing in the morning. I don't know if I will ever have a more important conversation with my son. Tonight prayer will include "Lord, guide my words as I talk to my child about what he needs me to be. Thank you for entrusting his life to me and help me be the Mom you need me to be so he can grow to be the man you want him to be." Tonight I promise God, my son and myself that I will NEVER let go of the wheel. I will never let someone take from me what God has entrusted to me. I will not even let my own tiredness, frustration, business or distractions rob me of the time I have to be with my little boy. The time is too short and the outcome to crucial to be distracted by life. He is my life! I will NOT let go of the wheel regardless of what is coming down the road. I will keep my focus

I don't know if Jim will join me in this or not (he didn't see the movie) but that is between him and God. I just know I HAVE to do this and I pray that those of you who know us and are my support system will hold me to the commitment I am making tonight to my son and my Lord. I know that I have friends who love me and will back me in this and for that I am truly grateful (you know who you are).

May God bless all of our children regardless of their age. They will always need their parents and we will always be proud of who they become when we are who God calls us to be.

Good Night!

New Year - New Life - Millionaire

What a year 2011 turned out to be. I look back over the blog from last year and I realized I haven't posted in almost a year. Shame on me but when I thought about catching everyone up on what has happened and why I hadn't posted I realized I didn't have enough room to type it all up. With that being said I will try to summarize 2011 briefly and then maybe you will understand.

My last post was in March so lets begin in April:

April 2011 - Jim and I were working on "Once Upon a Mattress" during this month and for two more months we would be focusing on this show. 30+ teenage cast members as well as another 15 backstage teens and lots of parents. This is a recipe for chaos and it was but it was a blast and the show was a smashing success.

May 2011 - More "Once Upon a Mattress" rehearsals every Saturday, set building on Saturday, rehearsal on Tuesday and trying (though sometimes not very successfully) to get Stephen finished with 4th grade before 2012.

June 2011 - Mattress goes up. It was a HIT!!! After that we rested for about a day because Stephen's 10th (double digit) birthday was approaching quickly.

July 2011 - Stephen's birthday party happened on July 17 (or around there)I don't remember the exact date. Thirty + people in the yard for a pool party. Two weeks later I had an extensive oral surgery process begun. On July 28th they removed all of my upper teeth. My teeth were soft, brittle and falling out due to an infection in the gums. I healed ok from it but I bruised all the way down to my chest.

August 2011 - Round 2 of the surgery process happened August 7th. Let me just say that if someone tells you they want to remove or reshape your Tores RUN FAR AWAY!!! The Tores is the little bony thing that is in your palate and apparently they didn't think mine was shaped correctly to support the rest of the work they had to do so they did a reshaping/removal procedure, they do this with a hammer and chisel. NO I AM NOT KIDDING! I was sedated but no amount of sedation, unless it is a general anesthetic, will stop you from feeling them hammer and chisel your mouth. Thanks to the love and support of my incredible husband, son and Mom, I got through it and began to heal.

September 2011 - Still focused on the healing process. Began helping some dear friends through a very rough patch. I believe that God only gives us what we can handle but I also feel He pushed me in September. I guess He didn't though because I did handle it. Did I forget to mention we STILL homeschool! Through it all, much to Stephen's dismay, school goes on!

October 2011 - We MOVED!!! With Dad's death and Mom's health declining we realized that she couldn't be alone anymore. I was having to come to her house in the morning, get her dressed, go back home, come back and fix her dinner, go back home fix dinner, come back and get her undressed and then do it all again tomorrow! SHEESH!! I would clean my house so I had time to clean hers. I would do my grocery shopping so I could take her, I would shovel our driveway only so I could get out to come shovel hers. It didn't take me long to realize I needed one home to care for. Her house is 2900 square feet on almost an acre and ours was 1000 square feet on a city lot - DO THE MATH. We moved. We actually moved our things out of our house on October 17th. The garages and out buildings here at Mom's were packed but we did it. LOVE YOU TIM, NANCY, CHRIS, JULIE, DON, SHARON, CHRISTIAN, ASHLEY and anyone else I forgot. We couldn't have done it without you.

November 2011 - On November 17th I put the final box away in the house. I cleaned the house and thought I can sit down now. NOPE!!! While I had been doing all the work of putting away and organizing Mom had been chomping at the bit to put up Christmas (Did I mention it hadn't even been Thanksgiving yet?). I had no sooner put the vacuum cleaner away until she began dragging out boxes for Christmas. This is NOT an exaggeration either. I can honestly say I love my Mom dearly but she can be difficult sometimes. This comes from living in constant and chronic pain for many years. I smiled and we put up Christmas. God really protected my health through all of this because I actually didn't have any problems with the CFS. It has been amazing.

December 2011 - Christmas came and went with no drama or upheaval this year. Since the past two Christmases STUNK in a huge way this one was relatively quiet. It went on forever that day though because it seemed to happen in shifts but it was fine. It was nice to just have some time with family. It was nice to see Stephen excited and see Mom and Jim both a little relaxed and Stephen laughing. It is still a hard day because it was only the second one without Papa and we realized on Christmas Day in 2009 he wasn't going to make it. It will always tarnish Christmas some but that is why God gave us Stephen, so that we could remember, even when it hurts, that life continues on.

January 2012 - Well here we are. It was been a strange winter weather wise. No real snow accumulation, which for Michigan is strange. Warmer temperatures, many days I am just in a sweat shirt. Yet I am freezing. Why you may ask? Well, I have discovered an incredible diet plan. I do NOT recommend that you try it but it has worked wonders for me. If you wonder what it is you haven't read the entire blog so let me sum it up for you - HAVE ALL YOUR TEETH PULLED, HAVE YOUR MOUTH RESHAPED WITH A HAMMER AND CHISEL THEN MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOTHER. Like I said great diet plan I do NOT recommend it. With that being said I started at a little over 300 pounds (It is hard for me to write that publicly but I determined to never be there again and if I am not going back I have nothing to be ashamed of now) and as of today I am at 214. You can do your own math. I am VERY proud of myself and feel better than I have in years. Now I am on the weight watcher program and loving it. I still am not finished with the dental process but it is coming to an end soon. I can eat quite a few things now and most of them are not low fat - mashed potatoes, potato soup, pasta etc. Now I am beginning to retrain myself to eat healthy because I will NEVER be there again.

February 2012 - Who knows what this year will bring. I used to believe I could handle anything life threw at me. While there were times this past year I doubted it, when I look around I realized that I did survive.

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day. We talked about everything that had happened to both of us in the past year and while some was good and some was HORRIBLE we both realized that God had blessed us with husbands who loves us, children we love and who love us, intact marriages, parents, that while aging are still reasonably healthy, our health (we are still breathing) and many other basic things, like food, shelter, clothes and so on.

I guess I may not be rich in material things but when I look back on 2011 I realize how rich I am inside!