Sticks and Stones

I am sure that most of us heard this when we were growing up:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones 

But names will never hurt me."  

Is this true?  Yes, the sticks and stones part is true but do names, or more specifically, words, hurt?

I was reminded yesterday morning that words can and do hurt. We can try to pretend that they don't, but when something was said about me (yet again) that was negative I had a visceral reaction—I became sick to my stomach; my head began to hurt; I was shaking, and I immediately began to cry. The fact that it came from the woman who is "supposed" to love me unconditionally made it even worse. She didn't even say it to me this time as she has in the past. She was talking to Jim.

Immediately following this interaction I began my Bible study. I am in Proverbs right now, and before I began I asked God to quiet my heart and to allow me to learn what He would have me learn. I really believe Satan was trying to get to me because as soon as I started reading, she came in to where I was, sat down and began reading the newspaper to me. I am crying, hurt, angry, frustrated, and trying to settle down without blowing up at her, and she comes to me and begins to read me the paper. SERIOUSLY?

I closed my eyes and took a bunch of really deep breaths. I was determined not to yell or strike out at her. I kept reminding myself that it really was a blessing from God that I still have her. There are many people who would love to have their Mother back with them—at that particular moment, I gladly would have given them mine. I let her finish reading me the paper. I really do know how to read it for myself but I don't think she remembers that. When she was done we talked, or rather she talked to me for a few more minutes. When she wasn't getting the responses she wanted, she got up and stormed away.

I hadn't said anything bad to her. I hadn't not responded to her, but I wouldn't engage in a conversation with her. I was hurt. I was angry, and I was honestly afraid that if I did engage her in conversation I would say something I shouldn't. I wasn't sure why she was offended. I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't the one who had said something hateful and hurtful to her. I was the one who had been offended.

After she walked away I went back to my Bible reading, still feeling put out and hurt. I took some time to ask God to help me get out of the reading what He wanted me to find. Those of you who know the book of Proverbs can kind of guess what is coming next. Does anyone want to guess how many times Proverbs talks about gentle answers, patience, a quiet heart, a quiet tongue, peacefulness, being righteous in all things, showing kindness, showing mercy...?

I finished my reading. Now I was not only hurt by Mom, I was a little put out with God. Was that really what He wanted me to learn? Was that really what I was supposed to get out of the day's reading? It wasn't fair. She had hurt my feelings. She had been mean to me. She had been talking behind my back, even though I heard her. She had said things about me that weren't true—at least Jim and Stephen say they aren't true. She attacked me and never even thought about the fact that the problem doesn't lie with me, it is with her. All of that is what I was feeling, and more. So now I am not only mad at Mom, I am mad at God AGAIN, because He was allowing me to be hurt and wasn't allowing me to be offended. NOT FAIR!

I stewed in my irritation for a while. Then I started getting a headache. I began having difficulty breathing. I was getting dizzy and nauseous. What was being annoyed and angry doing? It was hurting me. Not only was what my Mom said hurtful, now I was hurting myself too.

I began to pray, "Lord, it isn't fair." Why do I still have to live with her and take care of her? Why haven't we been able to move yet? What are you trying to teach me by allowing me to get attacked over and over again by a mean old woman?

The nursery rhyme sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me began playing over and over in my head. Names do hurt. Names, I think, hurt more than sticks and stones. They may break a bone or cause a physical bruise, but names cause emotional bruises—and those take longer to heal. I have been dealing with those bruises for many years. I began to ask God why I had to take this. Why would He want me to take care of the one person in the world who could hurt me this much, and regularly does? Why do I have to wear a target all the time for her? Believe me, she is a sniper when it comes to hitting the target. She knows what to say to get to me. I asked, "Lord, am I such a horrible person that You would allow this?"

I began to cry again, but instead of crying because I was angry I was finally letting go of some of those hurts. I felt like God was there with me. He was holding me and letting me cry because this was the first time I was actually giving them to Him.

I was letting Him fix the hurts that those words caused. I was reminded again of the verse I am holding on to with all of my heart:

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."  

I began singing the song, Be still and know that I am here, Be still, be still and know. I began to feel the anger fade away and peace started to take control again. I started reading Proverbs again and this time I saw the verses differently. Proverbs 19:11 sounded very different. It wasn't accusing me; it was guiding me, reminding me that "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense." 

I cannot do anything about what someone else does to me. It is not my place to get revenge or enforce some punishment. It is my job to forgive. It is my job not to jump immediately to anger but to show patience and understanding. I don't understand why I wear the target, but since I do, I have to be ready to knock down the darts with love.

Image courtesy: fotographic1980, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It isn't easy, because the names still hurt. They still cause a sting that lasts. It is easier though because I have given myself permission to allow them to hurt but then to give them to God to heal. They don't have to cause lasting wounds because Jesus has promised that He will bind up those wounds in Psalm 147:3—He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.

It isn't easy being the target for someone who has been in much pain for many years, has lost her husband, isn't happy with herself or her life, doesn't really like anyone. I know that some of my physical struggles are the result of the stress that accompanies living with Mom, yet I know that God calls us to help the widows and the elderly, and she is both. So I am doing what I am supposed to do.

My prayer now is that God helps me to honor her the way I should. Respect is earned, yet I am struggling with that concept. Scripture doesn't tell us to honor parents IF they deserve it, it says, Honor your Father and Mother—there is no "if they..." clause attached to that verse.

Yes, sticks and stones may break my bones but names CAN and DO hurt! So, be careful what you say to someone, you never know the load they already carry.