When It Seems You're All Alone

Have you ever felt alone or lonely? Have you ever felt like in a crowd of people you are completely alone? No one understands what or how you are feeling. You have pasted on the permanent smile that tells everyone you are wonderful, while inside, the pain, heartbreak or hurt is destroying you. Have you ever answered the question, "How are you?" with the pat answer, "Fine" or "Good" when you are anything but fine. You feel like, even if you were to be truthful, no one wants to hear it, or they wouldn't understand anyway—so why bother?

There have been so many times in my life that I have done just that. I learned at a very young age that people don't really want an answer to the question, "How are you?" It is a nicety or politeness. I would love to answer the question truthfully sometimes—to tell people that behind the smile are hands that hurt to move, or knees that don't want to hold me up; a body that is so tired it screams for sleep that won't come, lungs that are working to inflate. How about a heart that is fluttering and grabbing, causing chest pain that I have to constantly decide if it is a heart attack or just the fatigue wearing on the muscle? Those are the truthful answers, but does the person asking the question really want those answers? Sometimes I don't even give Jim those answers.

There are times I wake up during the night because I moved something that wasn't ready to move and it caused pain. I lay awake and sometimes cry because I desperately want to sleep but I know now that it will be a while before I will fall back to sleep. I don't want to wake Jim so I get up and go to the living room. I sit and cry alone in the dark until the pain settles down and I crawl back into bed and try to rest again. It wouldn't be bad if it were a once in a while occurrence, but it is more like two or three times a week (in a good week).

I was talking to my cousin tonight (she also suffers with autoimmune disorders and chronic pain due to psoriatic arthritis) and we were talking about the nighttime. It is such a frustration because we are so tired from getting through the day that we look forward to being able to stretch out in bed.

Here is the problem. Sometimes our bodies hurt so much that even our clothes are an irritation, so laying down in the bed is like torture. We need to sleep desperately, but it won't come because we can't get comfortable or the nerves and pain receptors are firing so hard and fast that we can't relax. You tell yourself that if you just relax it will be better so you make yourself lay there until you can't stand it anymore. You long for sleep and for a reprieve from the pain but it doesn't come.

People think that Chronic Fatigue just means that I sleep all the time—IF ONLY! I get insomnia that lasts for days, but then I sleep for days only to be awake again. I have to function even when I need to sleep, yet I can't because I have fought off sleep until bedtime—only to not be able to relax because I have been fighting for so long. I can't relax.

Does that sound confusing? GOOD—you get it. That is my life. Ask me again, "How are you doing?" Is this really the answer you want? It is the honest one. 

Image courtesy of Idea, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where does all of this lead? It leads to being lonely, to feeling like you can't go on anymore. You begin to feel like there is no way that you can face another day. I wake up in the morning dreading getting up to another day of pasting on the smile and walking through the day lying to everyone that asks me, "How are you?" 

It leads to anger and resentment at those people who ask that question but don't really want the answer. It leads to feeling lonely and isolated. It leads to feeling like you can't go on another day. You can't get out of bed again and face that question.

I have been praying a lot lately and asking God to help me get through the pain, to get through the hurts and the frustration, to take away the bitterness and resentment that comes along with all of this "stuff." I think His answer came today. Mom and I went out today. I desperately needed a haircut and Mom needed clothes, so we combined the shopping trip to the mall with a salon. We actually had fun as we usually do. We pushed ourselves a little since it was our first time out in a while.

There were not many people in the mall so I felt pretty relaxed being there. We got our stuff done and we got in the car to come home. I turned on the Sirius radio (it is a lease vehicle and we got Sirius for 6 months free) to EnLighten, a Southern Gospel music station, since my Mom and I both like that music. Sheri Easter came on singing a song I had never heard. I said to Mom, "Oh, I like Sheri Easter," and I turned the radio up. This was Mom's cue to begin talking louder.

Instead of getting frustrated, which would have been my response in the past, I just told myself I would listen to it later. We finished talking, came home, had dinner, and then I looked up the song. It is probably just as well that I didn't hear it in the car because as I listened to it I began to cry. It was the answer to my prayer. It was the answer to how do I get through the pain. How do I get through the nights when I feel lonely and afraid? How do I not get angry with people that don't really want to know how I am feeling? Praise His name!

PRAISE HIS NAME!

When you're up against a wall and your mountain seems so tall
And you realize that life's not always fair
You can run away and hide, let the old man decide
Or you can change your circumstances with a prayer

"Lord, the chronic pain and chronic illness is a mountain that I can't seem to climb. Life isn't fair and I want to run and hide from all of it. I can't face it anymore." That is my cry out to the Lord daily. I realized through this song I have a choice. I can change my circumstance with prayer. God might not be ready for whatever reason to take away the illness, but through prayer, my mind is taken off of the pain and put on God. For that, I have reason to praise Him.

When everything falls apart praise His name
When you have a broken heart raise your hands and say
Lord, You're all I need, You're everything to me
And He'll take the pain away

"Lord, my life has fallen apart, my heart is broken. How do I keep going?" Taking time to raise my hands in surrender and praise and remembering that truly He is all I need will heal my broken heart and put me back on the path to putting all the pieces back together.

When it seem you're all alone praise His name
When you feel you can't go on just raise your hands and say
Greater is He that is within me
And you can praise the hurt away if you'll just praise His name

Lord, it is 5:00 in the morning. I fell asleep at 2:00 and I am awake already. I need to sleep desperately but it hurts. My body aches and my heart hurts. I am afraid and I can't go back to sleep. Help me!

Have you ever been there? Praise His Name. The Bible says, "Greater is He that is within me." If I believe that, I can praise the hurt away.

Oh, you can overcome by the blood of the lamb
And by the word of your testimony
You'll see the darkness go as your faith begins to grow
You're not alone so how can you be lonely

This song is amazing. It is so simple, it is difficult. Can it really be as easy as praising Him? I am just beginning to try it so I will let you know. I am convinced that I can overcome by the Blood of the Lamb. I already know that the darkness is fading as my faith has gotten stronger. I can't say that I am in the light yet but it isn't quite so dark now. I know now that I don't have to be lonely because I am never alone.

Lord, I pray that I will one day be able to be the testimony to endurance, healing, love, and strength that will show that you are faithful and that you have walked beside me through it all. If learning to praise You through it all is what I need to learn then I will gladly walk through it because I know that I am not walking alone.

Blessings to you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgqAN2i7GM0